End of My Day

Dying husband. Brother who hates me so much he can’t even tell me why after two years. Sick Mom. 118% rate hike for #Arizona due to dismantling of Obamacare and the mass exodus of medical insurers. I hate what has happened to my country, to my family, to this nation and to this world. I used to think I was so loud and obnoxious I hated myself.

If all this has served ANY purpose, it’s that I now realize I am a lovely human being who is quiet and calm compared to the world leader pretends and tyrants and fundamentalist annihilators of life. There are some people who really just want to see the world and humanity burn. I’m not one of them, but for those of you who do, may the fire that is my being leave you in the pain caused to every decent human around you.

I have worked so hard to find the love and forgiveness in my heart for even the people who have unjustly and in some cases unknowingly caused me personally more pain than any human should bear. I want to curse you. I want to hurt you. I want you to feel what I feel and understand the reason you’re feeling it is because of your wrongs.

I will own mine. EVERY damned one. If I did it, and I was the harm-doer, then I will do everything I know to set things right. And there’s a line.

You, my friends, rushed forward online with everything a human could possibly want or need during this really bad weekend. And still, not one person showed up.

Not. One. Person.

Don’t get mad at me if you tried. Hear me out because this isn’t about those people reaching out letting me down. It’s about what the hell is wrong with ME that this is the pattern I’ve set in my life and it iterates without escape. I know some people tried, some called and even said they’d get on a plane right away! It’s extraordinary and meaningful and yet there is some loop in my life that I always end up right here, without the support I could use.

My husband filled that role. No one else has ever been able to because I don’t LIKE being helped and it makes me feel ashamed and weak and yet here I am spilling my guts all over the Web’s floor. I am grateful to my core for those that reached out and actually did help us find at least a bridge solution.

But I’m empty and I’m alone and that’s been the story of my soul – blamed for 35 years because I have medical illness and disability – as if I haven’t done everything a human being can do to course correct? They didn’t even know what was wrong with me until the year I got treatment – 30+ years of wrong treatment, wrong diagnoses and the absolute horror of being told by my doctors, my family members and even ultimately myself that it was malingering, depression, personality issues, behavioral problems and that I was a very, very bad girl who should be punished with a sentence no lighter than death.

If you think I’m joking, let me clarify: When I was 13 my father burned my face while yanking me by the back of my head and telling me I was a terrible child (I had done nothing wrong – truly nothing) and that it was his right as my father not only to discipline me, but that he had every intent to kill me.

And despite that being the last night he was ever allowed near me and I would never see him again and only hear of his death 13 years later through a series of seemingly unrelated events, I continued to carry out his judgement by attempting to annihilate myself whether through drugs, alcohol, self-harm or otherwise.

I yelled, I screamed, I cried out for help so why am I still crying? Is there any place I will ever find rest or love or merely be able to interact with a friend or family member again without them either trying to control me completely or think of me as a malicious, vindictive person? I don’t understand how anyone can think that, and if they do, how can they possibly know who I am?

There are good times. There is joy. There are bad times. There is pain. There is also oxycodone which I’m going to take because I’m in a lot of pain. But at the end of it all?

There is really only now.