Used To Be Daughter

Tell her I am dead
So she need not suffer
Stay awake at night
color drawing of Mexican Folk Art
Reading the grief
I can’t help but write

I used to be her daughter
But sickness took its toll
Add time and age
and we all, we all,
we falter

I used to be like her.
There used to be laughter.

Tell her I am dead now.

She no longer need suffer.


Counting Coup: One Year

Today marks one year I’ve been bed-bound with ongoing illness, treatments and lack thereof. After a full year of working my way through the complexities of the U.S. Medical Industrial Complex (it’s even called a complex!) I am finally on what I hope is the right road to a real chance at a cure.

one year ill

It’s going to take another year though, and I’m going to need to look to my peeps for ongoing love and support. That’s a lot to ask, I realize, but trust me when I say without my friends and extended global family, I wouldn’t have lived through this first year. There were points where it was just too easy to give over to pain.

That the year was filled with great global tragedy, the loss of a childhood friend to alcoholism and the absolute agony of watching a dear, dear child pass away and my heart is pretty stomped on. It’s been hell on earth for so many and me being me, that just adds to the depths of my own despair in ways I don’t know how to compartmentalize. So much heartbreak.

I am personally ready to somehow pick up this dead tired head and body and face another six months of hospitals, blood products and the joys of immunotherapy and all the joys that come with it (not). Why? Because I finally got angry, and that’s a good thing as it pushed me into action.

So I’m going to count coup and come up with 10 things that are milestones I want to recognize as I enter the second year of this very challenging life experience.

Counting coup: marking the triumphs

This is an unordered list because while I’m counting, no one triumph takes greater precedence.

  • quit drinking alcohol
  • halved the amount of Prozac I take
  • have become mostly vegetarian
  • can still bend myself in half (yoga)
  • reduced expenditures by splitting living space with my best pal
  • say “fuck” a lot less often
  • I’m learning to draw silly monsters
  • great improvement in close personal relationships
  • I don’t want to die anymore
  • I can actually see a productive future

I have to also add that there is an ever deepening empathy and sense of respect for humanity. Life is really a hell of a thing to happen to a person, isn’t it?

Enough about me . . .

Any triumph I made was due to the vast kindness of others. For this I am ever grateful. More than anything you are helping me heal some deep rips that were in my soul since childhood. You’ve comforted me, supported me, loved me. You haven’t abandoned me, pulled me down, made me feel worthless and unworthy of life. I am a child of humankind and I feel a deep, abiding connection that had been destroyed through child abuse, neglect and my own bad choices. That triumph’s all you. No psychologist or medication did that for me.

Celebrate yourselves on this day – as I am counting coup and celebrating each of you, too.

I love you all.



Moving My Birthday

Picture of Molly with Buzz Cut
As many friends are aware, I got off a flight in Los Angeles in July on my way home from OpenWebCamp and had to go to the hospital. At the Emergency Room, it was found my platelets were very low and my blood and GI systems were failing. With the help of friends and my family I got cleared to travel on to Tucson.

I finally got home and since July 15, 2013 have been in bed undergoing life-extending treatment. Those who find me overly chatty will laugh – I have about enough available oxygen to talk for 2 minutes and I’ll pass out from anemia in the middle of conversations! ;)

So in lieu of birthday wishes, presents and acknowledgements I offer the following options if you’re in the mood to send some ongoing love to yer Mols.

Direct donations

  • to a small managed trust which is used to pay for uncovered medical costs and life needs while out of work. DONATE DIRECT TO MOLLY’S CARE NOW
  • whether a 2 buck headscarf or a two thousand dollar TV – hanging in bed for a year is boring. You can help me make me a little more comfy with anything from my AMAZON WISHLIST
  • Anything else can be sent to: Molly.Com, Inc. / 3661 North Campbell Avenue / PMB 593 / Tucson, Arizona USA 85719. Note that if you are considering sending food, tea and gourmet items please check first as I am on an extremely restricted diet. Thanks!

Actions You Can Take

  • If you are healthy and live in a country where you can donate blood and blood products, please consider doing so at a recognized, legitimate clinic or hospital.
  • Many athletes run for “the cause” – if you are a performance athlete, consider raising awareness via an athletic or related event for blood diseases and cancers. A few folks have done runs in my name, with proceeds going to a variety of illnesses
  • Bake Sale! Have a bake sale (careful you WA and CO legal recreational marijuana consumers, no dosing the goodies without full disclosure, k? ;)) We don’t want anyone walking into a wall and causing more bleeding issues.
  • Add your own here!

You can then put those donations toward the #MollyFund, share with your favorite charities and pay our good health forward!

My main goal right now is getting through the days. I owe my friends and colleagues my very life and y’all need to know how grateful I am. Thank you, thank you, thank you.