Today marks one year I’ve been bed-bound with ongoing illness, treatments and lack thereof. After a full year of working my way through the complexities of the U.S. Medical Industrial Complex (it’s even called a complex!) I am finally on what I hope is the right road to a real chance at a cure.
It’s going to take another year though, and I’m going to need to look to my peeps for ongoing love and support. That’s a lot to ask, I realize, but trust me when I say without my friends and extended global family, I wouldn’t have lived through this first year. There were points where it was just too easy to give over to pain.
That the year was filled with great global tragedy, the loss of a childhood friend to alcoholism and the absolute agony of watching a dear, dear child pass away and my heart is pretty stomped on. It’s been hell on earth for so many and me being me, that just adds to the depths of my own despair in ways I don’t know how to compartmentalize. So much heartbreak.
I am personally ready to somehow pick up this dead tired head and body and face another six months of hospitals, blood products and the joys of immunotherapy and all the joys that come with it (not). Why? Because I finally got angry, and that’s a good thing as it pushed me into action.
So I’m going to count coup and come up with 10 things that are milestones I want to recognize as I enter the second year of this very challenging life experience.
Counting coup: marking the triumphs
This is an unordered list because while I’m counting, no one triumph takes greater precedence.
- quit drinking alcohol
- halved the amount of Prozac I take
- have become mostly vegetarian
- can still bend myself in half (yoga)
- reduced expenditures by splitting living space with my best pal
- say “fuck” a lot less often
- I’m learning to draw silly monsters
- great improvement in close personal relationships
- I don’t want to die anymore
- I can actually see a productive future
I have to also add that there is an ever deepening empathy and sense of respect for humanity. Life is really a hell of a thing to happen to a person, isn’t it?
Enough about me . . .
Any triumph I made was due to the vast kindness of others. For this I am ever grateful. More than anything you are helping me heal some deep rips that were in my soul since childhood. You’ve comforted me, supported me, loved me. You haven’t abandoned me, pulled me down, made me feel worthless and unworthy of life. I am a child of humankind and I feel a deep, abiding connection that had been destroyed through child abuse, neglect and my own bad choices. That triumph’s all you. No psychologist or medication did that for me.
Celebrate yourselves on this day – as I am counting coup and celebrating each of you, too.
I love you all.