Counting Coup: One Year

Today marks one year I’ve been bed-bound with ongoing illness, treatments and lack thereof. After a full year of working my way through the complexities of the U.S. Medical Industrial Complex (it’s even called a complex!) I am finally on what I hope is the right road to a real chance at a cure.

one year ill

It’s going to take another year though, and I’m going to need to look to my peeps for ongoing love and support. That’s a lot to ask, I realize, but trust me when I say without my friends and extended global family, I wouldn’t have lived through this first year. There were points where it was just too easy to give over to pain.

That the year was filled with great global tragedy, the loss of a childhood friend to alcoholism and the absolute agony of watching a dear, dear child pass away and my heart is pretty stomped on. It’s been hell on earth for so many and me being me, that just adds to the depths of my own despair in ways I don’t know how to compartmentalize. So much heartbreak.

I am personally ready to somehow pick up this dead tired head and body and face another six months of hospitals, blood products and the joys of immunotherapy and all the joys that come with it (not). Why? Because I finally got angry, and that’s a good thing as it pushed me into action.

So I’m going to count coup and come up with 10 things that are milestones I want to recognize as I enter the second year of this very challenging life experience.

Counting coup: marking the triumphs

This is an unordered list because while I’m counting, no one triumph takes greater precedence.

  • quit drinking alcohol
  • halved the amount of Prozac I take
  • have become mostly vegetarian
  • can still bend myself in half (yoga)
  • reduced expenditures by splitting living space with my best pal
  • say “fuck” a lot less often
  • I’m learning to draw silly monsters
  • great improvement in close personal relationships
  • I don’t want to die anymore
  • I can actually see a productive future

I have to also add that there is an ever deepening empathy and sense of respect for humanity. Life is really a hell of a thing to happen to a person, isn’t it?

Enough about me . . .

Any triumph I made was due to the vast kindness of others. For this I am ever grateful. More than anything you are helping me heal some deep rips that were in my soul since childhood. You’ve comforted me, supported me, loved me. You haven’t abandoned me, pulled me down, made me feel worthless and unworthy of life. I am a child of humankind and I feel a deep, abiding connection that had been destroyed through child abuse, neglect and my own bad choices. That triumph’s all you. No psychologist or medication did that for me.

Celebrate yourselves on this day – as I am counting coup and celebrating each of you, too.

I love you all.

Molly

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18 thoughts on “Counting Coup: One Year

  1. Hugs to you Molly. You have a whole lot of people who are there for you. We will continue to be there. Your indomitable spirit is a true inspiration.

  2. Two things have deeply affected me this past year, your illness and the tragic death of Rebecca Meyers. You and Eric have shared your stories with us and it is remarkable that even in the depths the need to communicate is so strong. Reading about your pain and suffering and life-threatening illness and Eric’s unimaginable loss makes me very sad and at a loss for words lest they be totally inadequate. The fact that you have found things to celebrate is a tribute to your indomitable spirit. Here’s to a full recovery: the unsinkable Molly!

  3. An amazing list. The last two make me cry and take a deep breath of anticipation for the years to come in your life. And I draw monsters often lately too. You have always been such an inspiration and there when I needed you most – I am sorry I have not been able to be beside you on your journey but I think of you every day and you are with me as a sister spirit no matter what you are doing or what you are going through. After all, we are the original “women of the web” eh? Hugs and so much love to you.

  4. Let’s drink to that, dear Molly! And to help you keep up with your milestones, I suggest we raise glasses of chocolate milk instead of beer. And yours is lovingly made with almond chocolate milk, so you can also keep up with the vegetarian milestone. :)

    {{{hugs}}}

  5. Ms. Molly,
    Anger has pushed me through for years, but anger alone, is just pissyness. Keep up the healthy food,and optimism. I went into the hospital for a minor heart attack and they gave me MERSA, I almost died, while my first grandchild was being born. I made it through. It took 2 years, but my functions finally returned to normal. I was on Prozac, but found Effexor much more effective. Good luck, m’ Dear. You deserve some for a change.

  6. Sending hugs to you, Mols. I loved reading your milestones, especially the drawing of silly monsters and seeing a productive future. I join you and Denis in raising a glass of chocolate milk to celebrate. Looking forward to your full recovery!

  7. Hi Molly,

    Glad to see you back on rails; remembering me of gold old days spending all day chatting with you in Limoges (instead of listening to the speeches, woops :) )
    Personal achievement : got myself to a dance course, and even dancing on a stage in public, thanks to friends.
    Next personal achievement, with your help : get you to dance, here

    Jean

  8. oh Molly – I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to read this post! I’ve missed you – made worse by the sadness knowing why you could not be around. I’m so glad you felt all the love coming your way – and that you were able to put this post together.
    Now, such wonderful news… not only do you stand a fighting chance to recover – but you are ready to fight – onwards & upwards!

    Wishing you strength and continued fighting spirit to get through this treatment. Sending you lots of hugs and <3
    xox

  9. Isn’t the human spirit amazing? Sticks and stone can break your bones…cancer can try to kill you…drugs can deaden the pain…but the spirit doesn’t give up…it fights back. In the most harrowing times it can rise above the pain, the fear, and hold onto life. I love your spirit, Mols. I’ve always respected you…but more than anything I love your fighting spirit. I can’t wait to celebrate you checking each of these goals off of your list. We are with you, my friend, for as long as you need us, to celebrate.

  10. My darling Molls, you’re my hero, you’re many people’s hero, inspiration and hope. You’re hugely loved, chin’s UP. I wish you all the strength in the world – I know you can do it, hun. How many times in your life you stirred up the beehives – just keep fighting the bees, love.

  11. Raising a glass of bubbly milk in your honour, Mols! It’s been a tough year for you, for sure, but so good to read the positivity leaping off the page here. Still looking forward to that big hug :)

  12. I found your post quite inspiring….especially the part about anger making you take action. Lately I have had a lot of anger about things (although all of them are petty compared to your challenges). I think it is time to direct that anger in a positive direction like you have.

  13. Molly, my fairy godmother, always strong. It brings me great joy to read your post. I knew you would make it. And I know you will best and beat the coming months to pieces, emerging victorious and glorious. I love you.

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