molly.com
Monday 21 May 2007
The “I’m a Technologist but my Significant Other Is Not” Issue
So you’re doing great as a computer person. In most instances, you probably really enjoy your work, get paid at the very least a living wage to do it, and are able to have wonderful collegiate relationships, as well as great friends met.
But your significant other(s), who isn’t in the technological world or doesn’t have interest in it for whatever the reasons, well, he or she or they’re often left out of the passion and enthusiasm we exhibit when we are with those great friends, met.
I’ve always had SO’s in my life who were at least somewhat interested in what I did. But maybe that isn’t the best focus. Maybe I should be taking a closer look at the curly haired handsome and affectionate chef who wants to open his own restaurant in the Yucatan but could care less about the Web related services he’ll need?
Where’s the balance? Is there one? Is it better to have one partner into it and one not? Have you had an experience to share about this?
Because I so want to know.
Filed under: faith(less), family, humor, molly asks you, society
Posted by: Molly | 03:30 | Comments (65)
My SO is a perfect blend. Bachelor of Arts, Masters of Communications (including web and multimedia stuff), MBA, now doing a Ph.D in Photomedia… enough interest in what I do for it to be stimulating… enough interest in the Arts and other stuff for it to be interesting for me.
My girlfriend is no more technologically minded than the stuff she’s forced to listen to me yatter on at her.
Realising the time I was spending at geek events, and not with her, I (obvious solution) got her to come along to Pub Standards.
It worked out great, after a slightly awquard start, she was chatting to everyone as much as me, because at the end of the day, it was a pub full of not just geeks, but interesting, intelligent people.
Saph’ and I have a give and take relationship. She gives the ‘nerdy’ pay-outs. I take them.
Having said that, we have a lot of common interests, along with enough separate interests to spice things up. I say ‘yay’ for the Tech/Non-Tech relationship.
Go with the chef from Yucatan.
I found love in the Accounting department. We talked about the company, but our work stories were completely different. When we both left the company, we could continue to discuss job-related issues, but not a common company. But by that time, we discovered each other’s interests, and that’s what brought us closer.
I must admit that I’ve only ever had techy-minded other halves, so I’m not sure that I’m likely to give an especially interesting point of view. I guess it doesn’t matter if you’re both enthusiastic about the *same* things as long as you both have respect and support for what the other does and is interested in. In my experience, a good couple does seem to share interests, but there’s no reason why the interests have to be what the people do professionally. Maybe you and the chef have the same love of furniture polish or some equally non-career specific thing.
Never hurts to give it a whirl, does it?
Yucatan? That Bait Store/Sushi Bar combo along the beach? Sun, sand and surf?
::Damn it. Just stepped on a pop top — time to cruise on back home::
I’ve never had a techie SO but my last SO was a farmer with no technical interest at all. I found it difficult because, for me, being a ‘techie’ isn’t just about my job, its actually most of life and is a great deal of who I am. I think to get on, you don’t need to necessarily like the same things but you do, at least have to take an interest in the SO and have respect for what they do.
Anyway, I taught my ex how to switch on a computer and he just used it for porn. Go figure!
I concur wholeheartedly with James as I’m a geek but my girlfriend isn’t (or, at least, so she claims, although she is enough of a geek to have asked what the parts of a doctype actually mean).
From my experience, there are three options: don’t indulge in your geek life (which is no fun at all), alienate your other half (which isn’t a barrel of laughs either), or invite them along to the events and at least let them share in some of that part of your world.
Although, as I’m sure Jo would agree, there’s a fine line between including significant others in the geek world and geeking out at them when they’re really not interested. I don’t always manage to hit that line exactly, but I give it my best shot.
My wife has a classics degree and accounancy training, and plays D&D. That’s geeky enough to understand some, but by no means all, of my interests. At coming up to 30 years together, I think that’s enough to rub along together indefinitely.
Go with anyone who can cook! Professional skills a bonus. Let’s face it – food sorts out most problems.
My SO is always slightly amused/bemused by my pet projects, over large book collection and self funded jaunts to conferences but in the end, have something outside that world is probably a good thing. And if it involves food…
My wife goes geek in a different direction: science and math. So she still brings something to the geek table and that something brings balance to things. We both get the opportunity to have our eyes gloss over with boredom when the other one talks.
My last SO was all-out stories (BA English Lit, PhD student Folklore), so with me studying science and with technology as a huge part of my non-study time, it was interesting sometimes. He had this habit of “Yes, dear”-ing me, which was cool with me I suppose, since I kept going anyways. I don’t really pick up on these things ^^;;
So long as you can communicate, that’s the important thing. I think that if you can understand each other, what you talk about is probably less important.
My girlfriend is a nurse. She can barely turn on a computer. I love it that way.
Given that we all go through different phases and different careers, I don’t think what we actually do at one point in time matters. I’m a web designer, biodynamic gardener, mother and weaver and over time some of those things will change (most likely the web designer bit, which is sort of funny). My husband will change. My child will change. But we’ll all still love one another.
having a techie s.o. is less important than having someone who will listen and can understand when you explain why XYZ is so friggin’ cool (or can at least do a convincing smile-and-nod routine). it’s worked for my parents: 38 years of my mom listening to my dad’s programming horror stories. the caveat is that you have to know when and how to turn off, so that you aren’t neglecting your partner for your computer. my dad hardly ever brought work home.
then again, in my case, having a techie s.o. works better. it’s a beautiful thing to be able to say ‘baby, i figured out how to do this thing with actionscript where it talks to a php script and writes to a database’ without having to give a 20 minute explanation of what actionscript is. plus he understands that sometimes i need to geek out and spend 12 hours in front of my computer on a saturday and vice-versa. we also have our most fruitful relationship discussions via IM.
that’s all to say: it can work. it just depends on the couple.
My wife (ten years and counting) is not a techie, and was not when I met her. Although we met via a local BBS – pre-web madness – she could care less about the intricate nature of the web, doesn’t want to learn the newest programming language, and asks me to handle the complexity of installing and uninstalling software for her.
Over the years, she’s taught herself quite a bit of stuff. She’s become a real photoshop whiz, and moderates a couple of discussion lists, but that’s as far as she cares to take it. I’ll say, “hey, did you know you could-” and then she cuts me off.
The trick, though, is that we have enough other stuff in common that the computer thing isn’t an issue. She knows that I need to spend time in my cave on occasion, banging my technological toys together, and she’s fine with that. We have enough going on that it doesn’t matter.
If you can look at the other person and say, “wow. That’s one amazing person and I’m lucky to have her [or his] attention!” then you’re doing pretty darn good.
I’ve never had a SO that is Techie or geeky related. In some ways this means my tech/geek life is almost separate and sometimes alien like to SO. The important thing is to have someone that will listen and try and understand. It also helps to bring you back to reality at times. Side note its great for usability testing
My SO is a geek (in fact, we run a business together). We have different enough interests, backgrounds and specialties to keep things interesting.
Previously I had an SO who was not techie – to the point where he resented time I spent online and I resented time I had to spend offline to keep him happy. That didn’t work out, and now I’m much, much happier – “geek” is not a part of myself I can turn on or off at will, and neither should it be!
I have a feeling there are advantages both ways, the balance vs. the direct understanding. My fiancee is basically a non-webgeek so she often makes jokes that I’m speaking another language; but really she gets the concepts and just avoids the details that she really doesn’t need.
We’re so alike in other ways she feels it’s good that we’re different about geek stuff. I think it would be a problem if she was totally non-geeky and didn’t like or understand anything tech at all; but that’s not the case. She denies it but she’s geeky around the edges
Anyway… people don’t expect lawyers to only go out with other lawyers, so geeks aren’t restricted either. It’s more about general compatibility.
If I think anything’s a pity about the geek/non-geek thing it’s when I meet cool people at conferences and she doesn’t get to meet them. Or when there’s a really great presentation that I would have loved her to see (Doug Bowman’s Zooming Out presentation for instance).
My wife (SO)is a Nurse whose technical interest is mastering spider solitaire. When I ask her for design input I get minimal feedback. She also lacks the gene that helps one envision what a couch might look like in your den vs the showroom floor.
But don’t dare ever go to dinner with two or more nurses. Their conversations will gross you out.
Some how we balance each other.
The way I see it, as long as your passion is clear up-front, any type of person can become a good geek-SO. If you do go for a chef from Yucatan, just don’t drop everything to be around him. So many people (of either sex) alter their priorities in the first stages of a relationship — therefore giving an incorrect view of their true passions. If your work is a huge part of your life, and it is a known factor in the beginning, then only the people who can handle that will stick around (a good thing).
In my case, I didn’t discover my passion for my work until I was already deep into a serious relationship. My hubby hates & resents the time I spend working, is threatened by my peers, and accuses me of loving my work more than him. It’s not much fun to know that every time I engage in the one activity that makes me feel alive, I’m hurting my SO. It’s a vicious circle that I’ve yet to know how to solve. If it can be solved.
well .. I’m in a non-techie/tech-relationship, and although the first year or so was quite strenous when coming to my “geek factor” part, but by now she not only has accepted I’m into computers but also supports me if there are some hard parts during a project, where you have to work on it to get it done before a specific dead-line and similar stuff.
By now, I very much enjoy to get the weekend away from computing and all the other related stuff. Some years ago I wouldnt have believed that you could lead a well-working relation-ship with someone who isnt involved into all this computer business stuff like me, but by now it feels so natural to me I would never want to miss this feeling
So, yes – of course a Techie/Non-Techie relationship may work out well. Its just up to you and your partner to create a stable one.
cu, w0lf.
ps: oh yes, I think I gonna cross-post this. Must’ve been months since I’ve written more than 3 sentences in English
hmmm I’d have to say my SO and I are equal parts Geek, (I think we both started out geeks though- I mean- we met in science club) but very often are passionate about different things.
There have been definate times when I’ve rolled my eyes about a new spyder hes working on and I’m sure he could care less about the inaccuracies in physics with cloth simulation.We also have similar passions like barcamp and learning concepts!=learning languages.
I think the thing that makes it work is we make time to not be Geeky. We have to occasionally make a disconnect between the tech couple and us, because at work and conferences we are more collegues and partners than we are a couple.
For a while we even had computer free friday.We hike, play games, garden, hang out with friends, do anything to take a break from the technology. Although, you know one of us is scheming some plan in the back of our mind for a new project.
My wife and I met while we both worked at a record label. Before the web. Before I knew what CSS was. She’s not techy in the least bit, although has recently threatened to start a blog.
I feel the balance is key though. I love coming home after a long day of pushing pixels to _not_ think/talk about anything tech. Otherwise, I’d probably never quit, and would likely work 24 hours a day.
The flipside is when I _do_ talk about adjacent sibling selectors or the most recent Steve Jobs keynote, I tend to get blank stares. But again, that can be healthy. It can remind you of what’s really important.
I need a Web designer as my next SO. My soon to be ex-wife is a journalist, but has no interest in tech or geeky interests beyond MySpace. It can be maddening. A big part of our problems stem from separate lives. As careers become a larger part of your life, I think I need someone who shares my interests on the career-side.
Definitely go for someone outside the IT business. That’s at least what keeps me sane, and as Dan mentioned above, the key is balance.
Actually, my girlfriend once, just as we were about to go to sleep, asked me to tell her about my job. Spontaneously happy that she was (finally!) interested, I started talking about it. Then she goes:
All she wanted was a human sleeping pill!
I love the balance of having a wife who, although not a technophobe by any means, doesn’t geek out aside from email, shopping online, sharing her calendars and twittering once in a great while. We both keep each other balanced out pretty well- she loves my hand-me-down gadgets and technical translation services, and I love being reminded daily that there is there’s quite a wonderful world to experience outside all the ones and zeros I surround myself with.
I think a nice balance is great. I work as a web designer and my SO is a nurse. There is one thing that both professions share and that is company politics, this is usually the base of our work conversations. As far as our different skill sets – I help her get online to shop and she keeps me alive! It’s a give take relationship.
I’m finding that it doesn’t matter that my SO doesn’t know anything about computers, because he’s more interested in supporting me in what I do than knowing exactly how I do it.
We did meet though a different common interest though, which is probably what we spend more time talking about than the details of our working lives, so I guess that helps!
Ha! Talk about a sync. We were just laughing at this at work today. Why do nontechnical spouses play technically stupid for simple “technical tasks” like charging the camcorder batteries. “Well, you are the computer guy…”. How come by 70 year old father can do it, but not my wife who grew up in the age of technology?
@ gruven: Why do supposed “nontechnical” folks play stupid anyway? Trying to stick to their script? Eg. my mother doesnt know nothing about computing, internet and the rest, although she has to use it day by day for work and to stay in contact with distant friends and family members (me, for example
)). But my granny, who is going to turn 85, who never ever has used a computer and is known in my family to be very ungifted towards technic in general, probably knows lots of stuff better than my mother, just by listening to my IT yatter and simple but useful explanations to her.
By now, I think its just a family myth my granma is so “un-technical gifted”. I really think its the rumors you get to know during your whole life which lets you keep up with them. So no wonder why your wife behaves like this. Maybe if you would encourage her to break out of this role called “the lil stupid” she might change ..
cu, w0lf.
My wife isn’t a techie at all, but then again, that isn’t why I married her
My wife is reasonably computer literate, and she loves that I can (usually) fix her laptop when it’s on the fritz. Other than the occasional eye roll when I’ve spent too much time surfing the web or writing on my blog, the fact that I’m a geek and she’s not usually isn’t much of a problem.
I’ve been married almost two years (long time, huh?), and I’m not sure if there’s a real defined balance or a right-wrong answer. Though, here’s why I dated and ultimately married my husband: I can communicate (okay, ramble about) whatever is on my mind with him without fear of non-playful ridicule, we can have lively disagreements/conversations (they happen) and work together to learn why the other thinks a certain way (and reach a resolution/compromise if needed), and we support each other on whatever we’re doing. Also, we can still be cute with each other. More importantly, I feel like I can take on new (though scary for me) things. For the first time in my life, I feel genuinely loved and appreciated.
The icing on the cake is that we’re both into tech, so we enjoy reading tech websites and helping each other out with stuff the other doesn’t understand. And, we can ogle over the latest tech gear yet see the beauty in what lies “Outside Our Computers”. Yet, we have different interests so we sometimes diverge for a bit and then come back together to tell the other about what we did. I think it’s healthy and keeps me sane.
Do note that appearances and mileage may vary. You’ll never know until you give it a shot… but good food, handsome, affectionate chef and the Yucatan sound good to try! As long as you genuinely treat each other like the grand people you are, things will progress.
I met my SO on a flash course 60 miles from home. It turns out she only lived a mile down the road from me. It appeared that she was a geek chic and we hit it off from the start. But then it became obvious that I was far too down the geek path for her so now she listens to my rants on browsers and colour theory and laughs at projects i make up for myself but she lets me get on with it. I think if we were both big-time geeks it would get to be a problem as we wouldn’t have a hobby to escape to for our “me time”
Molly
My take on it is that a person will connect up with you for the person you are, not what you do. Although at times they may seem inextricably linked, they are not. Imagine doing something else altogether for a living, picture what you would be like. The answer most likely is the same you. Same attitudes and behaviour, simply on another path.
Happily married now for twenty years to somebody who “doesn’t do tech”, where as its all I’ve ever done. I won’t bore you with details of what we do have in common, apart from not letting our careers define “our being”….
So far as I can see, I am the only SO to have found this page, although admittedly David did point me to it.
I consider myself to be a non-geek. My passions are wedding planning, scottish dancing, and finishing this stupid Biochemistry degree (4 weeks and counting!). I have dabbled a bit in CSS and HTML, and I may do again in the future, but it’s not part of who I am. David on the other hand, is an out and out geek, and it’s a huge part of his identity.
It can cause problems. Not so much because of his work – I’m happy to just nod and smile – but because of the community he’s part of, and the passion he puts into it. I can feel left out, like there’s a huge part of his life that I can’t participate in, and it has upset me in the past.
The geek – non-geek relationship can work, but you both have to try to strike a balance. I try to understand some of the less complicated parts of his geekdom, and attend any of the geek meetups that it is sensible for me to do so, so I feel less left out, and can put some faces to the names. In return, he tries not to talk geek at me for extended periods, and he’s getting quite good at spotting my glazed over look.
But the most important factor is that we love each other and we like spending time together. Everything else can be worked through.
I guess it depends on the person/geek involved. If being a geek is so much a part of your life and who you are that you can’t imagine scaling back on the amount of time you spend glued to a computer, then you probably need a geek SO. If not, and you have other interests that define you as much as your geekdom, then a non-geek SO may be your best bet.
That said, I’m not sure I’m really qualified to talk, as geeks seem to be my type!
I’m a second generation gearhead. My wife has far less interest and competence with computers even though they form a significant tool in her daily work–she’s a researcher/scientist/educator–there’s always someone to get things working correctly for her, so she, quite correctly, files a lot of information under, “things I don’t need to know.” The good thing is that she recognizes and appreciates the differences in our computer savvy and I appreciate her for her ability to look at my work from the point of view of the average user rather than someone “in-the-know.”.
In my parent’s case the balance is totally out of whack. They’re both in their early 80s and my dad is still a committed computer coder-geek even with early stage Alzheimers. My mother has increasingly (oh, starting 40 years ago) resented dad’s interest and talent, probably for his focus and commitment, and has refused to have anything to do with computers even to the point of rejecting communication from grandchildren. Recently, my father had a seizure while on line, and my mother wouldn’t even touch the computer to get the phone line free to call an ambulance, instead she wasted time going to the neighbour’s for a phone. This is a partnership way out of balance.
Take the chef, as long as he is sensitive, a good listener, and forgives your moods. My SO is into religious studies, particularly Tibetan buddhism, so she has the patience and scientific background to endure my stories about standards and geek stuff, but at the same time provides a perfect compensation for my lack of spiritualism and romance. For example, I would be happy with a Japanese minimalist structured black and white apartment, while she’s the one who puts colorful stuff at the walls. Everything she arranges is like a shrine, even photographs. It’s good to have somebody who understands allusions to Start Trek and D&D, but I always preferred someone who can compensate, tolerate, or even love my weaknesses.
My partner (of nearly 11 years) has a PhD in Nutrition and is a college professor. I work at Microsoft and manage a documentation group. At face value, we couldn’t be farther apart. In reality, we have a very good balance as a couple. I love science and he loves to read. Our interests cross in many places if not our workplaces.
I believe at the end of the day what you need is to come home to your best friend from whom you keep no secrets. If I need to talk shop, I call/IM/etc. my work friends. At home, I get fed really well (come on, the man teaches food science!) and get lots of love. What could be better than that?
Isn’t this discussion better off in some place like MySpace?
F. Howard – since this is Molly’s blog, on Molly.com, I certainly think she has the right to initiate any kind of discussion she chooses!
My husband of 17 years can’t use a computer – he isn’t oriented that way at all. But the two of us find a nice balance together, especially for our kids. He brings us all back to the world of real things and away from screens and plastic/metal components. He just doesn’t get admin privileges. So far I’d say it’s working great for us.
Hmm, funny, I thought this was my space.
I’ve had both the chef and the web technologist. I divorced the chef
Take it from a fellow curly haired woman, similar interests makes a HUGE difference. Does for me anyway.
For years I limited my SO search to fellow computer geeks. I carefully constructed my online profiles so that only geeks would reply. I attended user group meetings. It didn’t work. I finally fell for a completely non-tech person. I think I try and shelter him from geek-talk too much so he doesn’t feel dumb. But other than that, it’s no problem. Think of it this way: I could be having many online affairs and he would never know or even be able to find out! I would NOT do that, of course!
My SO combined Law, finance, business and technical stuff. Actually, sometimes i felt tired. But i don’t think my partner should be involved in coz she has her own space.
Hi Molly:
I am a ATE Student at Bowling Green. I’m working on a short paper for our assignment titled, “Internet Guide”. I’ve been asked to compare two websites and crtitique them for style. They are very framed and boring. I’m going to reference your article, “Thinking Outside the Grid”. May I include some of the graphics from that article as well? I loved it!
Sincerley,
Richard Penner
“If there were to be a big picture of me at my funeral (which there won’t be), I would prefer it to be a picture of me with my wife and kids, not a picture of me sitting at my computer doing some coding.”
Wow, That’s almost prophetic Jeff.
My wife and I are quickly coming up on five years. She has noticed that she is becomeing more and more “geeky”, and slowly the things that I can do are becoming more and more “cool”. We both share a love for music and pets, but we’re terminally opposite in every other way. In its own wierd way, it works. I get all of the dark chocolate, the edges of the cake, and my favorite part of Christmas is “some assembly required”. She likes milk chocolate, the inside of the cake, and just wants items ready to go without any mucking about from her end.
I know that I will always have a willing partner for some of my (rare) spontaneous ideas, and she knows that I will always be stable and handy. It just works.
Here’s why I think it doesn’t matter: You’re a very good storyteller. My husband’s work is completely unrelated to the web, but you wouldn’t believe how many stories from our little web standards world he’s followed with great interest. I’ve got my little nicknames for people and situations, and can bring him up to speed on something that’s happening in just a few words, and then proceed to tell the full story. He’s then appropriately amused, outraged, or eagerly waiting for the next installment. The stories can be just about everyday interactions, clients, colleagues, not even the big huge arguments that pop up all the time. So, I honestly don’t think you’ve got much to worry about there. YOU will make the subject interesting.
and would never be able to have a lasting marriage with someone who answered yes to that question. Something to think about.
More important is the question of how to make sure the person is Significant before they become your Other. When all emotions and body parts say “Full Steam Ahead” you can still be headed for disaster. I wish we were all better at this. Somehow, and I’m just guessing here, I don’t think eharmony dot whatever has the answers. My sister-in-law and I came up with a question they should add at eharmony-whatever. It’s crucial information. “Do you think Disneyland is the best place on earth and you’d like to go there as many times in your life as possible?” Personally, I like my own homestyle Disneyland