molly.com
Monday 30 April 2007
Debugging Molly
After several insightful and supportive conversations with friends, family and wise counsel regarding personal issues and my challenges with clinical depression, I’ve decided to take a technological approach.
I’m going to debug myself.
Essentially, this means repairing the negative, self-hating thoughts of shame, guilt, and sorrow for pain I have caused others and pain I have caused myself, and learning to forgive myself. Funny how we humans are, eh? I have forgiven all wrongs committed against me, but have been very stubborn to forgive those I committed against myself.
Steps to debugging Molly include: making sure I’m eating and sleeping as regular hours as I can within my lifestyle; avoiding alcohol and caffeine; and learning to gain better work/life balance. I will also commit to doing yoga again each morning, swim more frequently, catch negative thoughts and replace them with celebratory ones, and remove all disrespectful, problematic relationships from my life.
Readers here have long known me to be a very passionate character, with a dark side that has frightened and concerned others, at times. I hope everyone reading knows if my words and my behavior have not always been the best that I’m capable of, I hope you will forgive me too, and know that my heart is in the right place and I am sorry.
One thing I will also work on is to decrease the rumination stuff. That’s a tough one for me. Alas, it’s a symptom of my illness, but I’m being treated and part of that treatment is doing the hard work of becoming a better person.
Thank you all so very, very much for your patience, understanding, support and kindness as I have gone through this very difficult time. I am a very, very fortunate person to have so many caring friends and colleagues. Truly blessed.
To bed with me, to wake to do my session here at MIX and get back to the technology, topics, and people I hold so dear.
Filed under: faith(less), family, society
Posted by: Molly | 23:27 | Comments (45)
Love the debugging metaphor! Mind if I steal it?
- Neil.
Good luck with that Molly. Your perspective reminded me of a post by J Wynia not too long ago. Maybe you can find support in it:
excerpt: “…So, in essence, having a good marriage is like working in a loosely typed language and you’ve just got to have really good exception handling. Once you’ve built up a good library of wrapper methods for how your spouse communicates, things can just cruise right along and work smoothly…”
http://www.wynia.org/wordpress/2006/12/19/if-marriage-was-strongly-typed/
Good luck Molly. I wish I could follow your example, but I’m not ready to forgive myself yet – partly because I’m not ready to forgive those who’ve wronged me and won’t face up to it, or even acknowledge that they have – but mostly because I’ve just been too bad, and it’s too soon.
My heart goes with you – I hope you find the peace you deserve.
Aye good luck, speaking from my own experience this is the best, and possibly the only real way, to overcome the illness…or to take control of it at least.
Hi Molly – haven’t commented here in a while, but I do hope your debugging goes well for you. It’s probably a few screwy functions in your code, but I’m sure you’ll overcome!
If it helps, I’ve been working hard recently to ’step outside myself’ and look more objectively at things going on around me. I find it actually calms me down and helps me avoid negative reactions!
Anyway – as I said – best of luck with your debugging!
I wish you the best of everything and hope for your success. Forgiving myself is something I have never been able to do even though I can forgive and forget whatever was done to me. You are a strong lady. I know all will work out for you. Keep aiming for the stars but never let your feet be too far from the ground. Sending lots of love and good wishes to you.
Best of luck with all this and I always say this to people…
“Smile!”
(or the typical british way we do over here, let’s have a nice cup of tea!)
I hope this is not only one of those day, when you just exit a “dark period” and say “Ehi, it’s not all so bad, after all.”. And then comes another “dark period”.
Good luck.
Good luck Molly! You’ll get through this!
One thing that really helps me is to always stay busy, even when you’re not working. If you’re at home, play a game, read, cook, take a walk and listen to music, listen to music all the time… it’s when you’re sitting there and thinking that’s the bad part. The silence in your head will quickly turn to chatter if you don’t make sure it’s occupied in the first place.
Have fun at MIX. Wish I were there
Who knows…. those of us that follow you’re writing here might even start up a “Molly’s Phone Tree” thing so that if you find yourself in a rut and need a break, some kind words, inspiration, maybe a recipe for Crab Imperial, or whatever, you can just call someone on the phone tree and go from there….
At any rate, I can’t speak for everyone else, but I’m behind you 100%.I’ll be glad to help any way I can….
Hi Molly, on a practical note stick with the de-cafinating routine – it works! After a few days was getting severe headaches, I do mean severe. But now I’m sleeping so much better, drinking loads of water (must have been really dehydrated)… and losing a few pounds! I’ve switched from drinking tea to vanilla-flavoured rooibos.
Good luck with the whole debugging thing.
Molly,
hang in there and hit me up if you ever need an ear.
-Corey
Here’s a celebratory thought: your involvement with Microsoft. When you made your annoucement, I finally felt that the gap had been bridged and Microsoft had made an organization-wide committment to web standards.
Good luck.
And be careful: Depression isn’t something I’d recommend trying to fix on your own. A therapist can really help guide you to the things that are bothering you. I’ve spent a bit of time in therapy, and I’m proudest of the fact that I recovered from severe depression without the aid of drugs.
The thing about forgiving others is that it’s only part of an answer. The other part is understanding the various events; in some cases (like mine!) it’s even about unearthing them.
Forgiving oneself is the hardest part, in my experience. There’s a strong need to justify actions, decisions and responses. Saying “well, that’s life” can help if you’re sincere to yourself, but it’s a bit of a Catch-22 situation. (I’ve made a couple of efforts at explaining this, but can’t. It’s a rather complex circle… I’ve lived it, and I understand it. But I can’t really explain it! Sorry.)
So, while I add my “good luck”, but I do counsel that you at least consider seeking professional assistance.
Carolyn Ann
Great metaphor! I’m beginning to think that all of us are like Microsoft software – it takes several releases to get things working right.
I bet “Molly, v. 4.0″ will be totally awesome!
Bill
Holzschlag–
People with your type of passion pay a price, –all that self retrospection and magnified guilt of perceived errors and screw-ups. All the cloud cover that exists, now and then, in your mind’s eye is a facade. Without it, however, maybe the drive and passion wouldn’t burn as bright? Maybe realize the proverbial cloud is a necessity and a good thing? It goes with the territory. Maybe understanding that helps to ratchet down the perceived guilt a notch or two?
I am always grateful for pain and fear. It lets me know that I am alive and living. It fuels what needs fueled.
And Lady, give up the apology thing. You damn sure don’t hear the sun apologizing for burning bright and hot. It is the sun for christ sakes.
{{{{hugs}}}}
Here I was writing up my own list of things I will/will not do now that I am a year older… our lists are very similar, m’dear… so if you need a checkpoint to help keep you on track, let me know!
Molly, have you tried NLP?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_programming
Well that’ll create the happiest watch expressions in the history of debugging. I’ll leave that metaphor alone now.
Carolyn Ann has a great point in getting help, can be the hardest step to take to go to a professional, but can be very helpful. Yoga’s also a good positive, we do Tai Chi weekly at work and everyone comments how better they feel afterwards. Nice, measured physical movements, silly connected biology, but hey.
All the best.
Molly, I too am struggling with depression. I want to thank you for your openness and honesty about the subject, you’re an inspiration to me and no doubt countless others. May the sun shine for you brightly, and soon!
Hm
I thought you were being hacked, but no you just were crying out and loudly. Admiration from this side of the pond and good luck!!
“Debug Molly” – that’s just screaming out to go on a T-Shirt for the next conference you go to! Right!!!
Seriously, keep at it – your hard work to self-heal will reward you in so many rich and diverse ways. You have so much support too.
Good luck debugging yourself, Molly! Let’s hope your bugs are easy to find and easy to remove or work around somehow.
Love the metaphore, it does rather feel like that doesn’t it. Depression seems to be a growing illness in our modern times, or maybe it’s just better diagnosed than before and “easier” to talk about, less taboo… But still, it’s not an easy battle, the one against one’s inner demons, but if you stick to what you say in this post, you’ll be on the right track. I’d add giving Honey Bunny loads of cuddles, and free hugs for all !
Good Luck, Molly. Your plan sounds sensible, something we should all give a try whether clinically depressed or not. My wife suffers from depression and other physical limitations, and I am truly amazed at her fortitude to fight through those barriers. Reading your blog over the past year makes me think you have the strength to do the same. Makes my travails with ADD pale in comparison.
If you’re ever in the Milwaukee area and need a place to get away, drop me a note.
Cheers,
Peter
After the delousing comes the debugging…
Good luck Molly. Just so you know, we do understand that your heart is in the right place, and you don’t need to be sorry for having allowed that darker side to show. We all have our troubled hours (or years), and by sharing your travails so openly you have helped us all to gain strength and comfort from the fact that we are not so very different from each other, and nor are we alone.
May I recommend *my* personal debugger, the Sedona Method?
http://www.sedona.com/html/sample-of-process.aspx
That page is a pretty complete introduction. Yes, they’ll want to sell you a course, and it *is* worth the money, but you can also go to Amazon or the local bookstore and pick up the Sedona Method book for less than $20.
It took me a long time to realize that people who love and respect us don’t just love and respect the good things about us, they find the “bad” things lovable, respectable and forgivable too. We like (some love, but I feel it’s too early in our relationship for that – I’ve only been reading since WDN) the WHOLE you Molly, no need to apologize. Swim, and sleep and eat right because it will make you feel better but the only person you need to seek acceptance from is yourself because you already have ours
-Stephanie.
Thanks for sharing publicly Molly .
I’ve been going through the same thing for what seems most of my life. It’s far too easy to think that your all alone.
It sounds like you’ve had enough and you’re ready to make a change. I have found it’s the easiest and hardest thing to do.
Family rarely understands what your going through.
Best.
ken
Molly,
Excellent goals to focus on. Somehow the acts of physically caring for oneself–avoiding substances, getting enough sleep, eating right, etc–can help us to realize that we need to take care of ourselves spiritually and psychically as well, which includes forgiving ourselves for our past mistakes.
In my own experience, there is a catch-22 with treating depression in that therapy (whether professional or self-help) requires a lot of looking inward…but all that navel-gazing can make it almost impossible to realize that at a certain point we have to say to ourselves– f**k it, get on with life, what’s done is done, get out your head & live life!
To some that may seem like avoidance, but having spent the better part of my own life practicing relentless self-criticism, there’s really something to be said for pulling one’s head our of one’s hind end and getting out in the world and getting stuff done! Your debugging plan sounds like a very positive step in this direction.
Good luck, blessings, stay strong.
Adrienne
Dear Molly, thru you I have been able to ‘indulge’ my passion of VDO. For that I thank you. I hope your de-bugging is going to plan. I have over the years suffered from bouts of darkness ect, & know how hard it can be. I send my love & best wishes. Live your best life, don’t sweat the small stuff, lean on those that allow you to lean (& I imagine there are lots). Take care.
My thoughts of compassion and kindness are with you as you embark on the journey that so many of us are on to health, balance, & empowerment in mind, body, emotion, & spirit.
Your debugging metaphor is very apt – indeed negative thoughts & attitudes and unbalanced lifestyles can be like subconscious viruses that eat away at our self-esteem, health, and well-being.
Here are some lyrics from a song called Joyful Sound by String Cheese Incident that I have found inspirational – maybe you will too:
Take time to give thanks
Make time to be giving
Gonna’ stop and think twice
About the way that I’m living
Did I say a kind word
Am I proud of my actions
You know a job well done
Gives me satisfaction
I got to work hard everyday
And give it my best
Grab hold of fear and negativity
And lay them to rest
I know my time here’s important
Can I do the right thing?
Practice patience and forgiveness
Feel the joy that they bring
Can I lay down tonight
Without feeling regret?
I know the love that I give
Becomes the love that I get
Well do you hear what I’m saying
Making sense to you?
Well if you feel it in your heart
Then you want to sing too.
Make a joyful sound!
Metta,
Bryen
I don’t think I saw a response from anyone who actually suffered from depression. I fight it every day (since I was about 26, I’m 42 now). I use a combination of drugs, talk therapy and trying all the stuff you mention. All the drugs do is keep me from killing myself, they’re not great. If they work, they don’t work for long. Get ready for the long haul. I’m often forced to hide my pain to take care of my daughter, but it can be brutal. The best thing (I, unfortunately don’t have) is many friends/family. These people are worth more than medication. Try to be positive and do all you say, but also get a professional (psychologist and/or psychiatrist) to help. Good luck.
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