molly.com
Thursday 15 June 2006
Counting Coup, Telling The True
I am sitting in a hotel room in London. I have a minibar full of alcohol, and 80 Lorazepam tablets (2 milligrams each) and 100 friends within a mile radius.
In the past months friends might have noticed that I have been really down. There are a few reasons for that, and I’m going to reveal those here because despite being one of the most blessed people on earth when it comes to friends, there are some battles that I have not been able to strategize my way out of, and I’m thinking that the time has come for me to finally rest.
- Since 1999 I have battled a drinking problem. I have sought treatment, and failed at it terribly. I think I turned to alcohol because I battled cancer in my 20s and a resulting chronic illness from the treatment for 25 years, and nothing has helped the pain, nor the sense that I am at the whim of a disease that is relentless and unweilding. Alcohol has helped me escape that. It has also helped me pretend for a moment here and there that I have some control over the way I feel. At least if I feel shitty after a good hard binge, I can blame only myself.
- I have had bleeding discharge from my right nipple for some time now. I hardly eat, yet I am gaining weight and weigh more than I ever have in my life. My sense of myself is nothing, I believe I am nothing, despite whatever accomplishments anyone reading this might think.
- I am depressed beyond my own ability to express, despite 20 years of therapy, medication, and so forth. I don’t know where to turn for support. Friends can only take so much, you know? And I know that my “much” is quite extreme.
- I sometimes think I might have taken up more oxygen than a person deserves to take. I had some of life’s most profound experiences, great experiences, and the love of many. But I have always wound up on my own, because I’m an abject failure at receiving love in kind.
- The grand irony is that I have missed my period for over two months. Over the counter pregnancy tests are useless because I produce large amounts of progesterone and testosterone, which make for false positives. I don’t know what it is inside my growing belly – a baby or the cancer back – but either way I know that at 43, after countless miscarriages and with my medical and psychiatric history, along with the status of my financial and personal life, even if I could physically sustain that pregnancy, the risk is unbelievably high. I am frightened, and deeply sorry, because maybe had I been a mother, and a wife, instead of pursuing some misguided dream called a career, I wouldn’t be marking each harm.
- I have no medical insurance and cannot find anyone to insure me. I am a U.S. citizen, so there is no health care for me whatsoever unless I become completely impoverished. But I’m in the middle class, unmarried, and have no access to regular medical care. This problem has gone on for years now, and I believe at the core of my soul that my challenge of this moment, on this day, has everything to do with my nation’s inability to care for its own.
- I have no hope, no faith, no joy in these dark days of the world. I wanted for so long to rekindle my natural optimism and joy. The other day I flew over New York City, and cried. City of my birth, whom I loved, and a representative of the wound that is in my soul as it cries for all people of this planet who are being killed, harmed, enslaved and abused by the true terrorist nation, which I believe is my own.
I am counting coup, telling the true. If you see me tomorrow, it’s because maybe I can figure out how to help myself instead of destroying myself. But I’m not sure that will happen, and I have only myself to blame. I have waited too long pretending. I believed I was stronger, and I didn’t tell this truth, here, the one place I know, where friends and strangers could share their challenges and strengthen me with their triumphs. I should have spoken up sooner, I know.
Please understand, no matter what was said
Your pen was dipped in blood I never shed
- Counting Coup by Matthew Skala
Filed under: faith(less)
Posted by: Molly | 10:43 | Comments (78)
Quae nocent docent.
Be strong, Molly.
You’re in my thoughts.
I am not your friend. I know you only through this blog. Walk with me, for in the darkness we make the light. We are human and imperfect. You are more human than many I have known.
If you post under “faith” then have faith–in whatever it is that’s there. That’s all we have Damn, ask and I’ll come see you in London, it’s only a couple hours away, have faith in that if nothing else.
As us Brits say, chin up, and friends are friends. Lean on them, it’s there job.
You will find friends at AA. I used to go to AA even though I’m not an alcoholic. It is a great place and they are great people and they will understand you completely without judgment. They are the ones who won’t say it’s too much. And, this is important: they need you as much as or more than you need them.
Oh, Molly — I have felt a connection to you ever since a post that you later removed — I, perhaps like you, doubt there is an entity to pray to, but today — I pray for you.
I pray for you to decide, one more day.
it will be ok. deep down you are stronger than you realize.
Molly, my heart aches for you. I’ve known depression, although probably not as severely as you. It’s hard to think clearly when you are in the abyss that seems to have no bottom. My one thought for you is to think not of yourself, but those you will be leaving behind. If you have 100 friends nearby, call someone. Please.
Lean on us. We are here. There are many of us.
Life is really crap sometimes, I don’t think anyone will argue that. But you are a born fighter Molly, please don’t give up on yourself now.
I cherish your friendship Molly, and, professionally, I owe you so much — you need to stick around so I can pay you back
I wish I was in London right now so I could be there with you, to listen to you, to offer words of encouragement and a huge hug, but I’m an ocean away and powerless to do anything but call you, comment here, and call on my UK friends (and yours) to do all those things and more in my stead. And I know they will because they love you like I love you and none of us want to live in a world without you Molly.
As always, I’m here if you need to talk. Be strong.
Hey, Molly there are a bunch of us trying to call and check-in. You have many of us quiet worried. We hope you US mobile is with you.
Molly, You WILL find a way to help yourself. You will. Its right inside you.
Molly, I just became familiar with you through css books and now your site. Please hang in with us. Your “much” is actually much to offer – you are giving so much. So take from friends and strangers too. Just breathe. Throw a punch, kick a wall. But live. Martial arts has helped me personally to do just that, and I am sure that you can find a healing modality to ride you through this. Hope.
We’re hear for you Molly. Life is a roller coster and we are your supports during the lows. Please, as Thomas said, lean on us.
Molly, you have friends in all of us; please don’t leave. Please.
For each of your friends here whom you know, there are twenty whom you don’t. Please be strong.
Molly – I hope you can feel this over there, but remember you have true friends everywhere that love you. Whatever you need, we will all help you. Know that.
Love and peace… Derek.
Mols… I hope your cell works… I left you a message… I love you gurl…
Stef.
Anybody nearby should get over there quick and start pounding on the door, just in case. This could be serious and it’s no time to be too cautious or polite.
Stay with us, Molly!
Molly. Dearest Molly. I don’t know what your beliefs are but I hope that you will not be offended that you are in my prayers. You have done a great deal for the world, and no doubt have a great deal more to do. Please do not bare this pain alone. Call someone. Anyone.
You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.
Psalm 18:28
keep pushing molly!
Hi Molly
I am an addict in recovery from sedatives and a substance very similar to alchahol. I can understand the feelings you are having and coping with because sometimes, all one can do is cope the only way they know how.
I don’t know you Molly and by chance, happen upon your site today. After reading your post I had to extend words to you.
In my twenties I was diagnosed with Chron’s… no it’s not cancer but it did take away most of my early adulthood and can come back again whenever it pleases. People say to me on my blog that I am not alone with my addiction and struggles. I would like to extend that to you. You are not alone Molly. Just those simple words have a way of creating togetherness.
In the spirit of hope I will light a candle for you in my home. If you need to vent please feel free to email me.
Take care
Molly, give me a call: (UK) 07910987291
Hang in there Molly. Hope may be around the corner. I suffered from major depression and addiction for years (http://www.grownmencry.com/mijo/SoulSearch.html), then one day–and I hope this doesn’t sound hoakie–Hope came to me (http://www.grownmencry.com/mijo/SSHope.html). It could happen to you. In the meantime, surround yourself with as much positivity as you can muster. Keep reaching out.
One day at a time.
One hour at a time.
One minute at a time.
One second at a time.
I’ll go to Tucson at any time. I’m sorry I’m not in London now, as I had hoped to be.
The idiots who’ve opposed national health care in the US may finally be starting to change their tune. Privitization is bankrupting big business, which is the only constituent many in Congress actually give a damn about.
Hey Molly,
Like others have said, I too don’t know you personally but I do know you through your blog but if there is one person I know who can help you, it’s Jesus. Through him, you will be happy again, through him your bleeding will stop and all your ailments will be healed, through him you can be free from your drinking problem and any other obstacle/problem that you are facing.
‘Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. She said to herself, “If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.”
Jesus turned and saw her. “Take heart, daughter,” he said, “your faith has healed you.” And the woman was healed from that moment.’ – Matthew 9 20:22
‘Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people.’ – Matthew 4:23
‘By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see and know was made strong. It is Jesus’ name and the faith that comes through him that has given this complete healing to him, as you can all see.’ – Acts 3:16
Molly, just take a few minutes and ask Jesus for help. Say a prayer and ask him for help, ask him for healing, ask him to provide for your insurance, just talk to him about anything on your heart. Put your trust and hope in Him and he won’t disappoint you. You may not get your answer instantly but I know without a doubt he will bring you healing, freedom and peace.
Know also that there are people out there praying for you (your family, friends, and even readers of your blog). Don’t give up! The Lord is with you and he will help you.
” ‘ “The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.” ‘ – Numbers 6:24-26
The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit.
Molly, we all love you, and we’re all pulling for you. As little as that might help, it’s more than nothing. It’s something, and something can be held on to. Hang in there, because we need you.
Molly, gorgeous,
You are being hugged by friends all around you, even those who you might not know are there. I enjoyed your company at SXSW this year and I can’t wait till the next time we get to talk. –Pat (ramsey.pat@gmail.com)
[...] The odds are that you’ve probably heard of Molly Holzschlag, but the off chance that you haven’t, she’s a very big friend of the Web Standards movement and one of it’s greatest proponents who’s done much to help in its advancement. I’m writing this post because she isn’t doing very well right now as is evident in her post: Counting Coup, Telling True. So please take a minute to drop her a word of encouragement. I think we all owe her at least that much. [...]
UPDATE: I just got off the phone with Jeremy Keith who has been to see Molly and I wanted to let you all know that she is OK and with friends.
Obviously Molly is in a really difficult spot right now and I am sure she appreciates all of your kind words. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers.
I am close to returning to work following a four year ‘absence’ through a mental illness. You have been a leading light to me over the last 12 months in a number of ways.
I can understand the pain you are going through. Don’t tackle it on your own. You have many friends, drop us a line or call.
You are not alone.
Take care.
I know what it is to be gripped by fear.
I really feel for you right now and will be holding you in my heart.
Aaron — thank you so much. I find myself crying with relief. Please let Molly know that many, many people care that she is in our world.
Molly
I’m another who is thinking about you. Please hang in there and be with friends.
With much love
I know you only reading your blog, i’m with you in my thougths, Molly. Please, trust your friends and be with them.
Molly, I’m sending you my love and support across the many miles that separate us. I think these lyrics say everything I want to say best.
“Little Bit Of Snow” by Howard Jones:
Please remember that your worth is not in what you do or in what you contribute but in who you are. You are a blessing. A gift to this world. A creation of God. He made you because he loves you. Society will fail you. People will fail you. God will never fail you. We live in a beautiful yet very imperfect world. God’s love for you is pure perfection. Hold on to that fact. Please know that even though I don’t really know you….I care and have prayed for you today. I will continue to pray for you until we hear from you again. I have hope that we will. I will hold on to hope for you.
K Boyer
Molly,
Sorry to hear. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it better.
I don’t know you, Molly. We emailed once. I know words might seem hollow coming from a stranger, but my heart breaks after reading this post. I just thought you should know that when I say you are in my thoughts and prayers, it’s not just words. Many are thinking of you and praying for you. I hope the light comes soon.
Molly, be with friends at the moment. Take care of yourself. You’re valuable. If you feel you’re in danger just talk to http://www.samaritans.org.uk or just walk into any hospital and ask to talk to someone, the UK National Health Service is free.
This is what I see – http://flickr-scotland.blogspot.com/2006/01/sunset-over-skye.html – and things _will_ change.
I’m in London right now, I was at @media 2006 today. I’m not far away. Call me 07729 300 880 if you need anything.
I probably can’t convince you of a whole bunch of things right now, I know the state though. Its a very dark place. And I have the scars on my body to prove the journey…
Anyway my thing to repeat to you is what someone once pointed out to me…
“in spite of it all you’re still here, you’re a survivor, and if you’re anything like I think you are you survive in spite of yourself”
now i sat and thought about all of the fights, wars, misadventures and crap my life had thrown me and y’know that’s right. I stopped labelling myself a loser and called myself a survivor. Its a mind shift.
But its not about me its about you Molly. I really hope you come out the end of this with a smile (and maybe a baby – ick I said that?)… good luck.
Molly,
Before I came to your site today I was thinking about how I found your blog — and the comments it inspires — so much more connected with the “real world” than so many others like it.
After reading this post, I spent the next hour in a daze. I didn’t feel I could say anything useful. But I realized that I just want to say that yet another person who you don’t know is thinking about you and wishing you strength. I also want to thank you for allowing me, even as a lurker, to feel a connection to and part of a sane, humanist community.
Molly,
despite what you may think, it was awfully brave of you to post this.
I’ve got a favourite quote that keeps me going in dark times (and I’ve had mine too).
“Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself, the most comforting words of all; This, too, shall pass.” (Ann Landers)
Believe me Molly, you can overcome, and this, too, shall pass.
Love and prayers,
Paul
Molly shows a “happy me” http://www.flickr.com/photos/mollyeh11/101069179/
Once again, take care.
Molly, I’ve only met you a couple of times but I still consider you a good friend. A couple of years ago toward the end of SXSW I was tired, exhausted, overwhelmed and depressed, feeling like there wasn’t much point, and you walked up, greeted me with a hug, and talked for a minute. It made my day 100% better.
You have that effect on people, and if you can spend one more day or one more week or one more year or fifty more having that effect on us all, I’m willing to donate all the oxygen it takes.
Hang in there.
Molly, it saddens me to read your post. Many years ago I found myself where you are now – depressed and suicidal. I know what it feels like, and I know who can help – Jesus Christ. Let Him heal you, let Him give you Salvation. No matter what choice you make, He loves you still and He loves you now.
At this moment, He stands waiting for you to receive Him.
“Nor is there salvation in any other, for there is no other name [Jesus Christ] under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.” Acts 4:12
“This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief.” 1 Timothy 1:15
No matter what you have done, there is no sin to great that cannot be forgiven. Email me anytime you would like to talk. I’ve been there, I understand, and I know the One who can help.
Thinking of you…
Thanks, Aaron (and Jeremy), for the update. That makes me feel a lot better.
I left you a message, Molls, but I’ll leave a note here, too, since your mobile may not be working over there. Give me a call or bug me online if you want to talk. I don’t have any magic words, but I know from illness and I know from pain. Love you.
Dearest Molly,
Obviously there are many people and probably more than you know that care for you and want to help you with this struggle. We all have struggles and hit bottom at one time and we need to lean on others. Now is the time to let others help and care for you and give you guidance. You obviously have been through a difficult time but you have choices and a full life to live.
You have been incredibly honest and brave of sharing your feelings of how you feel and now let your friends help you regain your strength. No one can do it alone but there is support out there for you.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
- melissa
Molly,
We go back a ways and I think I know you as well as anyone around. One thing that I know for sure is that you’re a street fighter among the best of them.
Keep fighting Molly and NEVER GIVE UP!
Molly,
Just typing what you did,
tells me that there is something within you that wants to BEAT this thing called addiction, depression and so forth..
You are loved, respected, appreciated by many I’m sure and no one can throw any stones at you. You are definitely one of the most important issues right NOW over there at Media 2006, and my prayers are that this will be the first day of a new beginning for you and a chance for your friends to help assist you. All of this can turn bad or good, but I have faith that all of this can turn to good…
I overcame addiction through Jesus and that was the choice I made, so I understand Molly the fustration you are going through and I am here for you…
I want to help you, just as you have helped me with design….now it’s your time…..
Please keep me updated on your progess….
God Bless,
Herman D.