molly.com
Thursday 15 June 2006
Counting Coup, Telling The True
I am sitting in a hotel room in London. I have a minibar full of alcohol, and 80 Lorazepam tablets (2 milligrams each) and 100 friends within a mile radius.
In the past months friends might have noticed that I have been really down. There are a few reasons for that, and I’m going to reveal those here because despite being one of the most blessed people on earth when it comes to friends, there are some battles that I have not been able to strategize my way out of, and I’m thinking that the time has come for me to finally rest.
- Since 1999 I have battled a drinking problem. I have sought treatment, and failed at it terribly. I think I turned to alcohol because I battled cancer in my 20s and a resulting chronic illness from the treatment for 25 years, and nothing has helped the pain, nor the sense that I am at the whim of a disease that is relentless and unweilding. Alcohol has helped me escape that. It has also helped me pretend for a moment here and there that I have some control over the way I feel. At least if I feel shitty after a good hard binge, I can blame only myself.
- I have had bleeding discharge from my right nipple for some time now. I hardly eat, yet I am gaining weight and weigh more than I ever have in my life. My sense of myself is nothing, I believe I am nothing, despite whatever accomplishments anyone reading this might think.
- I am depressed beyond my own ability to express, despite 20 years of therapy, medication, and so forth. I don’t know where to turn for support. Friends can only take so much, you know? And I know that my “much” is quite extreme.
- I sometimes think I might have taken up more oxygen than a person deserves to take. I had some of life’s most profound experiences, great experiences, and the love of many. But I have always wound up on my own, because I’m an abject failure at receiving love in kind.
- The grand irony is that I have missed my period for over two months. Over the counter pregnancy tests are useless because I produce large amounts of progesterone and testosterone, which make for false positives. I don’t know what it is inside my growing belly - a baby or the cancer back - but either way I know that at 43, after countless miscarriages and with my medical and psychiatric history, along with the status of my financial and personal life, even if I could physically sustain that pregnancy, the risk is unbelievably high. I am frightened, and deeply sorry, because maybe had I been a mother, and a wife, instead of pursuing some misguided dream called a career, I wouldn’t be marking each harm.
- I have no medical insurance and cannot find anyone to insure me. I am a U.S. citizen, so there is no health care for me whatsoever unless I become completely impoverished. But I’m in the middle class, unmarried, and have no access to regular medical care. This problem has gone on for years now, and I believe at the core of my soul that my challenge of this moment, on this day, has everything to do with my nation’s inability to care for its own.
- I have no hope, no faith, no joy in these dark days of the world. I wanted for so long to rekindle my natural optimism and joy. The other day I flew over New York City, and cried. City of my birth, whom I loved, and a representative of the wound that is in my soul as it cries for all people of this planet who are being killed, harmed, enslaved and abused by the true terrorist nation, which I believe is my own.
I am counting coup, telling the true. If you see me tomorrow, it’s because maybe I can figure out how to help myself instead of destroying myself. But I’m not sure that will happen, and I have only myself to blame. I have waited too long pretending. I believed I was stronger, and I didn’t tell this truth, here, the one place I know, where friends and strangers could share their challenges and strengthen me with their triumphs. I should have spoken up sooner, I know.
Please understand, no matter what was said
Your pen was dipped in blood I never shed
- Counting Coup by Matthew Skala
Filed under: faith(less)
Posted by: Molly | 10:43 am |
June 15th, 2006 at 11:21 am
Quae nocent docent.
Be strong, Molly.
June 15th, 2006 at 11:27 am
You’re in my thoughts.
June 15th, 2006 at 11:28 am
I am not your friend. I know you only through this blog. Walk with me, for in the darkness we make the light. We are human and imperfect. You are more human than many I have known.
If you post under “faith” then have faith–in whatever it is that’s there. That’s all we have Damn, ask and I’ll come see you in London, it’s only a couple hours away, have faith in that if nothing else.
As us Brits say, chin up, and friends are friends. Lean on them, it’s there job.
June 15th, 2006 at 11:44 am
You will find friends at AA. I used to go to AA even though I’m not an alcoholic. It is a great place and they are great people and they will understand you completely without judgment. They are the ones who won’t say it’s too much. And, this is important: they need you as much as or more than you need them.
June 15th, 2006 at 11:47 am
Oh, Molly — I have felt a connection to you ever since a post that you later removed — I, perhaps like you, doubt there is an entity to pray to, but today — I pray for you.
I pray for you to decide, one more day.
June 15th, 2006 at 11:52 am
it will be ok. deep down you are stronger than you realize.
June 15th, 2006 at 12:01 pm
Molly, my heart aches for you. I’ve known depression, although probably not as severely as you. It’s hard to think clearly when you are in the abyss that seems to have no bottom. My one thought for you is to think not of yourself, but those you will be leaving behind. If you have 100 friends nearby, call someone. Please.
June 15th, 2006 at 12:03 pm
Lean on us. We are here. There are many of us.
June 15th, 2006 at 12:12 pm
Life is really crap sometimes, I don’t think anyone will argue that. But you are a born fighter Molly, please don’t give up on yourself now.
I cherish your friendship Molly, and, professionally, I owe you so much — you need to stick around so I can pay you back
I wish I was in London right now so I could be there with you, to listen to you, to offer words of encouragement and a huge hug, but I’m an ocean away and powerless to do anything but call you, comment here, and call on my UK friends (and yours) to do all those things and more in my stead. And I know they will because they love you like I love you and none of us want to live in a world without you Molly.
As always, I’m here if you need to talk. Be strong.
June 15th, 2006 at 12:17 pm
Hey, Molly there are a bunch of us trying to call and check-in. You have many of us quiet worried. We hope you US mobile is with you.
June 15th, 2006 at 12:20 pm
Molly, You WILL find a way to help yourself. You will. Its right inside you.
June 15th, 2006 at 12:21 pm
Molly, I just became familiar with you through css books and now your site. Please hang in with us. Your “much” is actually much to offer - you are giving so much. So take from friends and strangers too. Just breathe. Throw a punch, kick a wall. But live. Martial arts has helped me personally to do just that, and I am sure that you can find a healing modality to ride you through this. Hope.
June 15th, 2006 at 12:27 pm
We’re hear for you Molly. Life is a roller coster and we are your supports during the lows. Please, as Thomas said, lean on us.
June 15th, 2006 at 12:30 pm
Molly, you have friends in all of us; please don’t leave. Please.
June 15th, 2006 at 12:30 pm
For each of your friends here whom you know, there are twenty whom you don’t. Please be strong.
June 15th, 2006 at 12:31 pm
Molly - I hope you can feel this over there, but remember you have true friends everywhere that love you. Whatever you need, we will all help you. Know that.
Love and peace… Derek.
June 15th, 2006 at 12:39 pm
Mols… I hope your cell works… I left you a message… I love you gurl…
Stef.
June 15th, 2006 at 12:40 pm
Anybody nearby should get over there quick and start pounding on the door, just in case. This could be serious and it’s no time to be too cautious or polite.
Stay with us, Molly!
June 15th, 2006 at 12:51 pm
Molly. Dearest Molly. I don’t know what your beliefs are but I hope that you will not be offended that you are in my prayers. You have done a great deal for the world, and no doubt have a great deal more to do. Please do not bare this pain alone. Call someone. Anyone.
June 15th, 2006 at 12:52 pm
You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.
Psalm 18:28
keep pushing molly!
June 15th, 2006 at 12:53 pm
Hi Molly
I am an addict in recovery from sedatives and a substance very similar to alchahol. I can understand the feelings you are having and coping with because sometimes, all one can do is cope the only way they know how.
I don’t know you Molly and by chance, happen upon your site today. After reading your post I had to extend words to you.
In my twenties I was diagnosed with Chron’s… no it’s not cancer but it did take away most of my early adulthood and can come back again whenever it pleases. People say to me on my blog that I am not alone with my addiction and struggles. I would like to extend that to you. You are not alone Molly. Just those simple words have a way of creating togetherness.
In the spirit of hope I will light a candle for you in my home. If you need to vent please feel free to email me.
Take care
June 15th, 2006 at 12:58 pm
Molly, give me a call: (UK) 07910987291
June 15th, 2006 at 1:10 pm
Hang in there Molly. Hope may be around the corner. I suffered from major depression and addiction for years (http://www.grownmencry.com/mijo/SoulSearch.html), then one day–and I hope this doesn’t sound hoakie–Hope came to me (http://www.grownmencry.com/mijo/SSHope.html). It could happen to you. In the meantime, surround yourself with as much positivity as you can muster. Keep reaching out.
June 15th, 2006 at 1:17 pm
One day at a time.
One hour at a time.
One minute at a time.
One second at a time.
I’ll go to Tucson at any time. I’m sorry I’m not in London now, as I had hoped to be.
The idiots who’ve opposed national health care in the US may finally be starting to change their tune. Privitization is bankrupting big business, which is the only constituent many in Congress actually give a damn about.
June 15th, 2006 at 1:30 pm
Hey Molly,
Like others have said, I too don’t know you personally but I do know you through your blog but if there is one person I know who can help you, it’s Jesus. Through him, you will be happy again, through him your bleeding will stop and all your ailments will be healed, through him you can be free from your drinking problem and any other obstacle/problem that you are facing.
‘Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. She said to herself, “If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.”
Jesus turned and saw her. “Take heart, daughter,” he said, “your faith has healed you.” And the woman was healed from that moment.’ - Matthew 9 20:22
‘Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people.’ - Matthew 4:23
‘By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see and know was made strong. It is Jesus’ name and the faith that comes through him that has given this complete healing to him, as you can all see.’ - Acts 3:16
Molly, just take a few minutes and ask Jesus for help. Say a prayer and ask him for help, ask him for healing, ask him to provide for your insurance, just talk to him about anything on your heart. Put your trust and hope in Him and he won’t disappoint you. You may not get your answer instantly but I know without a doubt he will bring you healing, freedom and peace.
Know also that there are people out there praying for you (your family, friends, and even readers of your blog). Don’t give up! The Lord is with you and he will help you.
” ‘ “The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.” ‘ - Numbers 6:24-26
The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit.
June 15th, 2006 at 1:36 pm
Molly, we all love you, and we’re all pulling for you. As little as that might help, it’s more than nothing. It’s something, and something can be held on to. Hang in there, because we need you.
June 15th, 2006 at 1:37 pm
Molly, gorgeous,
You are being hugged by friends all around you, even those who you might not know are there. I enjoyed your company at SXSW this year and I can’t wait till the next time we get to talk. –Pat (ramsey.pat@gmail.com)
June 15th, 2006 at 1:45 pm
[…] The odds are that you’ve probably heard of Molly Holzschlag, but the off chance that you haven’t, she’s a very big friend of the Web Standards movement and one of it’s greatest proponents who’s done much to help in its advancement. I’m writing this post because she isn’t doing very well right now as is evident in her post: Counting Coup, Telling True. So please take a minute to drop her a word of encouragement. I think we all owe her at least that much. […]
June 15th, 2006 at 1:48 pm
UPDATE: I just got off the phone with Jeremy Keith who has been to see Molly and I wanted to let you all know that she is OK and with friends.
Obviously Molly is in a really difficult spot right now and I am sure she appreciates all of your kind words. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers.
June 15th, 2006 at 1:53 pm
I am close to returning to work following a four year ‘absence’ through a mental illness. You have been a leading light to me over the last 12 months in a number of ways.
I can understand the pain you are going through. Don’t tackle it on your own. You have many friends, drop us a line or call.
You are not alone.
Take care.
June 15th, 2006 at 2:09 pm
I know what it is to be gripped by fear.
I really feel for you right now and will be holding you in my heart.
June 15th, 2006 at 2:12 pm
Aaron — thank you so much. I find myself crying with relief. Please let Molly know that many, many people care that she is in our world.
June 15th, 2006 at 2:18 pm
Molly
I’m another who is thinking about you. Please hang in there and be with friends.
With much love
June 15th, 2006 at 2:35 pm
I know you only reading your blog, i’m with you in my thougths, Molly. Please, trust your friends and be with them.
June 15th, 2006 at 2:39 pm
Molly, I’m sending you my love and support across the many miles that separate us. I think these lyrics say everything I want to say best.
“Little Bit Of Snow” by Howard Jones:
June 15th, 2006 at 2:41 pm
I’m so sorry for your pain. That feeling of of numbness and wishing not to be.I’m have biploar and have been in many deep depressions. You may and probably do already this already but it bears reapeating.
Please get professional help as soon as possible.Give your medication to your friend.
The trick with depression is to keep in mind who or ‘what’ is really doing the talking.Its an extremely difficult task; to separate yourself from thoughts and feelings you think are yours, pull back and look at the illness and not yourself. You don’t need self examination right now IMHO.
You need help in seeing that depression has a very strong voice sometimes and right now its screaming so loudly you may think its coming from you.You sound like you’ve moved beyond ideation and so things have become urgent.
Please seek the assistance of a mental helth care right ASAP.
If you can’t get access to or afford help, go to your local ER. And please do this RIGHT AWAY.Your friend Jeremy can go with you.
Good luck,
Ian.
Its wonderful you have friends who are helping. If you ever feel yourself coming to this stage again and you’re alone you can try these sites:
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
http://www.bipolarworld.net/Suicide/rusuicidal.htm
Try http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
June 15th, 2006 at 2:56 pm
Please remember that your worth is not in what you do or in what you contribute but in who you are. You are a blessing. A gift to this world. A creation of God. He made you because he loves you. Society will fail you. People will fail you. God will never fail you. We live in a beautiful yet very imperfect world. God’s love for you is pure perfection. Hold on to that fact. Please know that even though I don’t really know you….I care and have prayed for you today. I will continue to pray for you until we hear from you again. I have hope that we will. I will hold on to hope for you.
K Boyer
June 15th, 2006 at 3:13 pm
Molly,
Sorry to hear. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it better.
June 15th, 2006 at 3:34 pm
I don’t know you, Molly. We emailed once. I know words might seem hollow coming from a stranger, but my heart breaks after reading this post. I just thought you should know that when I say you are in my thoughts and prayers, it’s not just words. Many are thinking of you and praying for you. I hope the light comes soon.
June 15th, 2006 at 3:40 pm
Molly, be with friends at the moment. Take care of yourself. You’re valuable. If you feel you’re in danger just talk to http://www.samaritans.org.uk or just walk into any hospital and ask to talk to someone, the UK National Health Service is free.
This is what I see - http://flickr-scotland.blogspot.com/2006/01/sunset-over-skye.html - and things _will_ change.
I’m in London right now, I was at @media 2006 today. I’m not far away. Call me 07729 300 880 if you need anything.
June 15th, 2006 at 3:41 pm
I probably can’t convince you of a whole bunch of things right now, I know the state though. Its a very dark place. And I have the scars on my body to prove the journey…
Anyway my thing to repeat to you is what someone once pointed out to me…
“in spite of it all you’re still here, you’re a survivor, and if you’re anything like I think you are you survive in spite of yourself”
now i sat and thought about all of the fights, wars, misadventures and crap my life had thrown me and y’know that’s right. I stopped labelling myself a loser and called myself a survivor. Its a mind shift.
But its not about me its about you Molly. I really hope you come out the end of this with a smile (and maybe a baby - ick I said that?)… good luck.
June 15th, 2006 at 3:54 pm
Molly,
Before I came to your site today I was thinking about how I found your blog — and the comments it inspires — so much more connected with the “real world” than so many others like it.
After reading this post, I spent the next hour in a daze. I didn’t feel I could say anything useful. But I realized that I just want to say that yet another person who you don’t know is thinking about you and wishing you strength. I also want to thank you for allowing me, even as a lurker, to feel a connection to and part of a sane, humanist community.
June 15th, 2006 at 3:57 pm
Molly,
despite what you may think, it was awfully brave of you to post this.
I’ve got a favourite quote that keeps me going in dark times (and I’ve had mine too).
“Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself, the most comforting words of all; This, too, shall pass.” (Ann Landers)
Believe me Molly, you can overcome, and this, too, shall pass.
Love and prayers,
Paul
June 15th, 2006 at 4:11 pm
Molly shows a “happy me” http://www.flickr.com/photos/mollyeh11/101069179/
Once again, take care.
June 15th, 2006 at 4:24 pm
Molly, I’ve only met you a couple of times but I still consider you a good friend. A couple of years ago toward the end of SXSW I was tired, exhausted, overwhelmed and depressed, feeling like there wasn’t much point, and you walked up, greeted me with a hug, and talked for a minute. It made my day 100% better.
You have that effect on people, and if you can spend one more day or one more week or one more year or fifty more having that effect on us all, I’m willing to donate all the oxygen it takes.
Hang in there.
June 15th, 2006 at 4:56 pm
Molly, it saddens me to read your post. Many years ago I found myself where you are now - depressed and suicidal. I know what it feels like, and I know who can help - Jesus Christ. Let Him heal you, let Him give you Salvation. No matter what choice you make, He loves you still and He loves you now.
At this moment, He stands waiting for you to receive Him.
“Nor is there salvation in any other, for there is no other name [Jesus Christ] under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.” Acts 4:12
“This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief.” 1 Timothy 1:15
No matter what you have done, there is no sin to great that cannot be forgiven. Email me anytime you would like to talk. I’ve been there, I understand, and I know the One who can help.
June 15th, 2006 at 4:58 pm
Thinking of you…
June 15th, 2006 at 5:23 pm
Thanks, Aaron (and Jeremy), for the update. That makes me feel a lot better.
I left you a message, Molls, but I’ll leave a note here, too, since your mobile may not be working over there. Give me a call or bug me online if you want to talk. I don’t have any magic words, but I know from illness and I know from pain. Love you.
June 15th, 2006 at 5:51 pm
Dearest Molly,
Obviously there are many people and probably more than you know that care for you and want to help you with this struggle. We all have struggles and hit bottom at one time and we need to lean on others. Now is the time to let others help and care for you and give you guidance. You obviously have been through a difficult time but you have choices and a full life to live.
You have been incredibly honest and brave of sharing your feelings of how you feel and now let your friends help you regain your strength. No one can do it alone but there is support out there for you.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
- melissa
June 15th, 2006 at 6:01 pm
Molly,
We go back a ways and I think I know you as well as anyone around. One thing that I know for sure is that you’re a street fighter among the best of them.
Keep fighting Molly and NEVER GIVE UP!
June 15th, 2006 at 6:02 pm
Molly,
Just typing what you did,
tells me that there is something within you that wants to BEAT this thing called addiction, depression and so forth..
You are loved, respected, appreciated by many I’m sure and no one can throw any stones at you. You are definitely one of the most important issues right NOW over there at Media 2006, and my prayers are that this will be the first day of a new beginning for you and a chance for your friends to help assist you. All of this can turn bad or good, but I have faith that all of this can turn to good…
I overcame addiction through Jesus and that was the choice I made, so I understand Molly the fustration you are going through and I am here for you…
I want to help you, just as you have helped me with design….now it’s your time…..
Please keep me updated on your progess….
God Bless,
Herman D.
June 15th, 2006 at 6:05 pm
Great outpouring of love and need going on here. Not knowing much, I tend to not want to push my particular path of spirituality or healing, because so much of life is very unique like a fingerprint. We all must find our own truths. Healing too. One woman’s foods are another’s poison. But I think, Molly, that you have made great gains by saying, “…there are some battles that I have not been able to strategize my way out of…” Them’s fightin’ words, honey. That’s a spirit of survival if I ever read one. Even if you ain’t found the way yet, you are still searching. Don’t you dare let that spirit die! Heck, look at my site and see the need I have for salvation. But at least I try. I need you! Selfishness aside, please reach out for more ideas on nutrition, physical, mental and spiritual healing for yourself. Breathe!
June 15th, 2006 at 6:29 pm
It is quite remarkable what the human spirit can sustain, despite what (sometimes large) pitfalls we encounter through out life. While normally I am a good shoulder to lean on, I feel that you have recieved far greater assistance from others (especially Deanna’s just above) than I could ever provide.
Thank you for not staying silent, know that despite distance the thoughts of a great many are with you, we just need you to walk through the door and start a new path.
The acceptance of eventual failure is the only thing preventing true ascendance.
-Mike
June 15th, 2006 at 7:15 pm
I can’t begin to comprehend what you’re going through Molly. Like many, I only know you through this blog. However, I do know this: It took a tremendous amount of strength to post this, so know that you DO have strength. Use it. Let your friends them give you more strength. Know that many people have you in our thoughts and prayers — including me.
June 15th, 2006 at 8:21 pm
Molly, dear heart, take a moment to pause…
Depression’s a beast with some very sharp claws.
No matter the depth of your suff’rings and pain,
Life is worth living while breath doth remain.
Friends like those you have who wrote in this ‘blog
Are great as a place for a “hope dialogue”
No matter this life, be it pleasure or woe
We shall stick by you wherever you go…
If you find yourself in a place of despair
And no one you know can be found with you there
Remember, dear friend, that no matter how far…
Your ‘blog can assist us to be where you are.
–
Hang in there, Kid!
–Russ
June 15th, 2006 at 8:22 pm
Molly, it’s been a while since we’ve chatted. I always accepted that you’re a busy woman, you’re always in demand as you’re so full of knowledge and insight. So if you ever need a break, and need a laugh, and you know I’m good for those, you’re always free to ping me, no matter how late it is.
I have my fair share of problems, but I always turn to humor to get me through the tough times. If you feel too down, hang around those who make you laugh non-stop, read some jokes online, or write up something you find funny. It will never fail, I promise.
Please, please hang in there. You’re much more valuable and tougher than you give yourself credit for.
June 15th, 2006 at 9:01 pm
Molly, I am relieved to read from Aaron that you are with friends tonight.
Know that others of us who can’t be with you are out here reading your words, and sending our heartfelt strength and support.
June 15th, 2006 at 11:11 pm
Molly
As you can see a lot of people care about you. I hope you can use that to help you through (I did).
Some of us have been to that dark place, and most of us deal with it in different ways. You are braver than most by admitting it. Now do not be afraid to ask for help or advice.
And I expect to see you in Sydney in September, because I am taking you shopping.
June 15th, 2006 at 11:32 pm
Molly, I agree totally that your “much” is a much of giving, not taking. You may not feel you are giving more than you are taking but feelings often don’t have a lot to do with reality. Just because you feel it doesn’t make it true.
You are someone to respect, admire, and love. We all feel it, Molly. If you really are having a baby, your kid would too.
*HUGS*
June 16th, 2006 at 12:03 am
You speak. Friends respond. That’s how it goes. Remember that. Speak!
Be well.
June 16th, 2006 at 12:05 am
Dear Molly, your words, your work, your books, your wonderful warm humour…so much I must thank you for. Hang on girl. Call someone, anyone. You are not alone. I did once and it does work. It’s ok to reach out.
June 16th, 2006 at 12:33 am
You know who I am or was. I spent time with you in the deepest pits of your fears and places no one else dared go least they be destroyed by the horrors there. YOU survive those times. I came away, as you did , with scars on the soul, but WE BOTH SURVIVED THOSE TIMES. For I had seen you on the steps , hugging your guitar with a love i envied, yeah. you probably dont remember the nights and days, the calls from your brothers and Michelle , the days when your survival was measured out in “coffee spoons:” you survived then , the fear of the postitive tests, the diagnoses , the trips to the emergency room and shots or Toredol and the insanity of delusion and the Beast that ate your body from the inside out. You rose above all that. No one can handle the long road and the pain? sorry Molly , I did it over and over. I was neve jaded, just lost to obscurity and the dusty corners of a past that involved the rug your mother gave you for the hall in that Regency Apartment with concrete block walls where I lay awake at nigh hearing your sobs through the small distance. Never stoped caring, never gave up on you or me. What is flesh and suffering? I am an expert in that realm. I can see YOU beneath the shell that covers you with shame and guilt and fears of failure. I am a dinosaur, but in the last bellows before the quagmire swallows me i have to say……. I am still here. despite the pain, despite the prognosis of death, despite the doubt and the fear. We are all just human after all, even Tara knows that, and loves without condition. as you are loved unconditonally. Lean on me or someone. it is not weakness, it is survival, you opened yourself before people long agg in a small coffee bar and bared your soul with Patty, you opened yourself to the blogoshere here is my latest bad musings just for you on remembering my long gone Grandmother, the crazy indian, she always counted coup even when she made me cut the switch she never used to correct my bad judgemets. Love ya unconditonally. always. YOU KNOW THAT>
My Grandmother used to say
“Ain’t nothin free Ronnie-even that tiny white blossom you pulled up to sniff will now die”
Transient introspection often gives me headaches now.
One day in March. I left for three years and six months only to have to dissociate from carnage and the smell of peace they told me rose from bodies that were now free, maybe more free than the idea of freedom that ate them alive.
That was over thirty years ago. I came back to a missing world, missing ideas, missing beliefs. You are right, “Free” is now a reason
It is the adhesive that binds people to their chosen places along the time line. They are free to not move, to not think, to be less than, to forget that even the air that fills the lungs comes with a cost now. I am a dinosaur, covered with dust and trifles of ideas that crumble to the touch.
Grandma, danged even sleep is not free now either. When it does come there is always a price. even your memory costs tears.
All of those people must be mistaken.
alone here in the dark it is not free
the hollowness that aches was once that
sacred place a heart beat and labored
Proving life was never free even from the beginning. Something is wrong, not just there, but everywhere maybe. I refuse anymore to bare my entire soul least it be suffocated. That is wrong. I am the ultimate enigma? I am a figment of my own imagination? “Take me, I am Free, why not?” “Oh, ok” maybe my grandma was right after all. Goodnight.
Excerpts From The Frog Pickle Chronicles- Ray Remembers sometimes, wishing he could forget.
June 16th, 2006 at 12:57 am
Read your post last night on a pda, couldn’t comment before now.
My thoughts have been with you since yesterday, though. All of our thoughts are with you.
You take care and now this community is here to support you.
June 16th, 2006 at 2:29 am
Wow I so hate the JesusFreaks taking advantage of someone who’s down. Take your garbage somewhere else, it doesn’t help anyone!
Molly if you feel like a break, and wanna some see Scarborough in England just let me know, i’ll put u up and show u the sights n things, peace
)
June 16th, 2006 at 2:30 am
grr it messed up my smiley with a nose….
June 16th, 2006 at 2:31 am
Sometimes words seem so useless but they are all we have at the moment.
I trust you are in the arms of friends that can help.
June 16th, 2006 at 3:00 am
I don’t know you personnaly, only through your books, blog posts and work. I cannot do or say much but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and about the friends that are now with you.
As others have said, you have people behind you and true friends. Do not underestimate the burden they can share and the love they can give !
Wish you a whole lotta “soul sunshine” ! Take care !
June 16th, 2006 at 3:10 am
Molly, it is my understanding that you are in the arms of friends. Look around you, the world is telling you that we love you and need you and want you around. You make the world a better place just by being in it. Everyone brings pain and sorrows to the world but at the same time, they bring peace and love and joy. We emailed about the suffering being a necessary part of life once… For without the bad, how can we really know what good is. You are someone who touches so many lives on such an intimate level because you are willing to put yourself out there. I cannot tell you how much I admire and respect you, but I do a great deal. And even though we have never met, I still love you for who you are. Please let your light shine on in this world. You are stronger than you think or feel. And when you feel you don’t have the strength to go on, lean on those who love you to help you through. We love you Molly, we need you Molly and we are here to lend a hand.
Prayers for your safety and healing,
Jo
June 16th, 2006 at 4:09 am
Hi
(follow me please)
We don’t know each other but boy do we kinda know each other!
New to this site, astonished to read such open soulness.
Earlier: A couple of nights ago sent for my free chapters for the Dreamweaver 8 text.
(So new to this web design stuff…I’ve never created a thing in it…yet.)
Even Earlier: Quit drinking and junk… just 12 days ago…
hopefully… for the rest of my life
Even Earlier: Started drinking 30 or so years ago.
Even Earlier: born into a small, small world where everyone drinks…
all my family…and so…all my friends drink;
thats mostly all we do together.
Earlier tonight: feeling decent (its not the weekend quite yet)
Earlier today: found a great looking movie for sale for only $2, cha-ching
Movie: Requiem for a Dream
Review: FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING DEPRESSING - motivating too - don’t watch it or do
all about addiction…time…life is shit…if we allow it to be
maybe its what you pay attention to…where you put your energy
FUCK FUCKING DEPRESSION - DO NOT LET IT STEAL YOU or your energy
JUST TRY (is all we can do sometimes)
Blessed is the air you breathe… because it keeps you alive - BREATHE
Got home and plugged it in the ole VCR
Opened up the pdf and clicked on
June 16th, 2006 at 4:15 am
Wow. I’m watching you speak at @Media2006 right now. Literaly right now. I can tell that you are stronger than you think. The very fact that you can express these things as you have means you are stronger than you think. In the great British tradition: keep your chin up and don’t let the world get you down. You will get through this.
June 16th, 2006 at 4:36 am
You’re not alone molly. Many people secretly live their lives in the quiet desperation of depression. Thank you for posting this.
No easy answers, but 3 things that may help:
1. Advice: “If you’re going through hell, keep going” - Winston Churchill
2. Free, online CBT course:
http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/
3. World’s funniest joke:
Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’ There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says ‘OK, now what?’
June 16th, 2006 at 5:08 am
(sorry accidentally sent previous message too soon)
(and please continue to be patient, as my head is not yet too clear- trying to keep it simple)
anyway, as i was saying…
I put this tape in the VCR thinking it would make me feel ok…but noooo
after watching it…
I felt like “shit…and shit on shit on shit”
and for the first time in 12 days, I wondered
“Could just one drink do me any harm?”
Then…in an effort to do anything besides be depressed 9or drink) I started surfing…
checked my mail
saw that I recieved the free chapters and opened up the pdf
within seconds clicked on the CSS ZEN GARDEN link and
ALIVE AGAIN
INSPIRED
AWAKE AGAIN
WANTING TO INSPIRE AGAIN
FEELING OK AGAIN…even better
In all, I looked at about 30 or more designs (for an hour or two) and decided
I would save some for tomorrow
(the weekend is so hard when you’ve just stopped drinking you know)
in case I needed some inspiration then.
You see, I plan to make something out of the crap that has been my life someday.
So, saving some INSPIRE for later…
I started beating on the back button until I returned to the pdf.
then i read the “about the author” and then I read about you
actually I had already read that you were…
“A popular and colorful individual”
somehow this stuck with me and I thought…I think this must be true
not the usual judgment from me… because i’m often blue
still I wondered
and so I clicked
on this link that brought you so to me
and so many other friends to you, apparently
this is easy to see
I thought, as i read this most recent blog…
Is this chick for real
can she be this freakin’ real…as I read…and as I see…
how her heart beats so true
Failing not… she does the hardest thing…
she shows she can appeal
————
Just Let your friends carry you dear
you are not a burden
but your friends will be burdened irrevocably
if you do not let them help you in your time of need
I had a friend this year kill himself and the woman he thought he loved
and he came to me for help with his jealousy
I am burdened by the sadness that came out of this for so many
I think I could have said more
maybe i could have at least saved her
I wrote to you because of this
because we should not let go of lifes chances
no matter how insignificant they seem
you are obviously not insignificant
I am positive that some things u’v done
for your friends here…and others
that u thought were small things
were larger than u thought
I even think maybe…
I may need you too someday
a little or a lot
Many will, undoubtedly, that are pleading here
As with all life we never know what’s around the corner
or at the end of our little deeds
like me picking up a cheap video tonight
I went from depressed to inspired to saddened and back to hopeful
the amount of friends that claim you is in direct proportion to how well you live life
Remember…even when…
Life is pained
it is soon JOY-ous after that
take in all this with whatever you’ve got at the time and you will be alright.
(I need sleep now or I will be more likely to be depressed tomorrow.)
So breathe and sleep and Joy to you, you are in our prayers this night.
(sorry, my thoughts rhyme when i am tired)
June 16th, 2006 at 7:43 am
Molly:
Just get through today. Stay with friends. Keep asking for help.
And see a doctor (with friends so it’s less scary).
You are in the UK. They have good health care. They will take care of you.
Nothing a doctor can tell you is as scary as not knowing.
Remember you are loved.
June 16th, 2006 at 8:20 am
Molly, I only know you through your blog, but I’m praying for you. Sometimes God puts us in situations that make us realize we can no longer rely on ourselves and our resourcefulness. I’m not saying that if you put yourself out there and ask for his help that he’ll heal you with a miracle, though he could. But it is amazing what peace comes with realizing that you matter to God - that he loves you. So, I’m praying that you feel God’s love today : )
June 16th, 2006 at 9:19 am
If I’m right I think Cameron Moll is at that conference in London. I’d talk to him. I don’t know him either, but my guess is he’s got more wisdom than just design. A shot in the dark.
June 16th, 2006 at 2:04 pm
Molly,
I’ve just returned to Cambridge after a horrendous train journey, having spent all of the second day at @media shivering and barely able to keep my eyes open thanks to some random man-flu I managed to pick up at Sugar Reef last night, but having read what you’ve written now, I feel almost ashamed to have let it dampen my spirits. I think all I can do at this point is echo the words of the hundreds of other people who know and love you; I for my part have only met you the once in-person (at the bar after last year’s @media) and I enjoyed every minute of your company. Very few people have such an immediate impact on me with their wholehearted and spirited enthusiasm towards this field of ours and the people who populate it.
I’m not sure as something so trite as a piece of music can do much more than set you off in the right direction, but for whatever it’s worth, there’s a piece I’d like to recommend to you; it’s by Moby and it’s called God Moving Over The Face Of The Waters. I’d be happy to pass it on for you to listen to if you’d like (the MPAA can kiss my arse; this is fair use).
Anyway, I probably deviated a fair bit here. Just be assured that I, like so many others, have been touched by your vitality and energy, and desperately want you to come out of this dark spell a happier and healthier person. Keep fighting the good fight.
June 16th, 2006 at 4:18 pm
Keep talking.
Know that your friends can offer more than you realise or believe.
Be as strong as you need to be.
Cry when you must.
You are in my thoughts.
June 17th, 2006 at 10:42 pm
Praying.