molly.com
Saturday 25 March 2006
Owning My Bitter
It’s been said that we should love for the sake of love, and give for the sake of giving. That the acts of love and giving are fulfilling enough in and of themselves.
I believe this may work for a few rare souls: Saints and gurus perhaps, but mere flesh and bone humans? I really want to know how many people out there really achieve such ideals.
I know I haven’t. The past months, while generally good in terms of how life can be, have found me facing a few facets of my personality and thought patterns that have left me in a state of almost bitterness. I say almost because I’m not there yet, but I feel myself slipping toward a smoke-tinged anger that I’m not sure once full-blown will be salvageable.
So I’m working it out this morning here on my blog, as I sit in my parent’s house overlooking a beautiful silver lake turning pink and blue in a stunning sunrise. Life could be worse, lots worse. And yet, the strain of my journeys, the vulnerabilities of my heart, and the fatigue of my inability to sleep soundly and shut off the rumination from which I often suffer have left me burnt out and angry.
Accolades and acknowledgement
Douglas Bowman, upon hearing someone ask me who the “other 24 most influential women on the Web” were, quipped that I was, in fact, all 25 of the most influential women on the Web. Funny, perhaps, but damned sad that only I could name a handful, and most couldn’t name two.
Friends, supporters and general visitors to this site might not realize that I’ve been in Information Technology and media for a very long time. Far longer than some readers here have been alive, in fact, nearly 20 years. I’m having a rough time lately dealing with Web 2.0 hogwash and watching people I love and respect make successful careers out of canned content, apps that fall short of true innovation, or coming up with “new” ideas that I’d not only thought about 10 or more years ago, but have the published evidence to prove I did.
Whether it’s a gender issue or merely that the popularity of blogs have pushed ideas and people into the spotlight much faster than in the earlier days of my career, one feeling remains with me, and that’s the nagging sense that my contributions to the success of the Web design and development field, the people in it, and the progress of the Web itself are in fact under if downright unacknowledged, accolades or not.
Let me put this into anecdotal form. Recently, I was invited to join the HTML working group at the W3C. The response from most of my colleagues was abject horror, because the WG is problematic and XHTML 2.0 is, to many people’s perspectives, a bad idea.
Why did I say yes, then? One reason is I hope that maybe I can make a difference or help. Another, and most definitely the more selfish but truest reason is due to the fact that I felt I deserved the scientific achievement. I have been studying, writing about, teaching and working to better understand HTML and XHTML for 13 years!
When I saw my friend Sebastian Schnitzenbaumer at the W3C Technical Plenary a few weeks ago and told him the news, he said, “It’s about damned time.” He was the only one who got, immediately, why it made any sense for me to have said yes.
I want to better understand why it took me 32 books before one ever got the broad attention that Zen of CSS Design has gotten. Were they lesser books? Some of them, but not all. Dave Shea himself became a Web designer because of one of my early works, a great story and one that made Zen all the more a gratifying personal achievement. That the influence of my writing has relevance isn’t the question, rather, why I had to work much, much harder at gaining that place in the sun than anyone.
I want to better understand why it took nearly a decade of public speaking for me to be invited as a keynote at a major conference. It’d be one thing if I were a crap speaker, or didn’t have anything worthy of saying. Neither is true. I’m a very skilled and often funny speaker, and I must have content of relevance to say because here I am still in the industry when weaker souls have long run away.
Are these failings part of a personality or behavioral defect on my part? Did I just do things the wrong way? Is it because I’m a woman? Older? Unmarried and therefore status irrelevant? You tell me, because the things I come up with are pretty much all the ingredients of an unpleasantly tart mix.
Wealth and health
Another part of this edge of bitter is my sense that many of my colleagues have done quite well economically where I have not. I’m a 43 year old woman who can’t afford medical insurance, whose business has sat on the brink of bankruptcy since the dot.bomb, who has no savings, no retirement and has a black hole of debt so deep that I wonder if I’ll ever crawl out of it.
In the meantime, I watch colleagues who are less innovative, less well-connected, sometimes less talented, and generally far less generous with their knowledge than I have ever been rake in the money and laugh all the way to the bank, flaunt their VC dollars with reckless pride, and show off the stuff that they’ve “earned” along the way.
In a scenic drive Andy and I took with my folks yesterday, my mother asked why I thought this was. After a moment I listed some of the reasons I felt I was in this position:
- I’ve been a woman on my own with often no business guidance, or very bad business guidance from someone I trusted very much and shouldn’t have
- I’ve often given away my time and knowledge and skills when others would not have
- I’ve often given away my money to people I felt needed it more than I
- I’ve compromised in negotiations when perhaps I shouldn’t have
- I’m fundamentally not a materialist and have a general disdain for money in the first place, rather, I like money for what it can do and not what it can buy
- I have always felt it was more important to benefit others and the Web via my work than myself, believing the Web to be far more important in the long run than my own well being
- I have negotiated relationships to make it easier for other people to achieve great things because I have a philosophical belief that says that’s what you do in this world: You reach behind you and take along others. In those acts of goodness, I forgot an important part of the equation: Me. I gave bounty to other people, took little or nothing for myself, and never in the past asked for some back from the person I helped
I bought into the ideologies of my generation and thought that giving for the sake of giving should be reward enough of its own. If that’s true, and I’m feeling this way, does that make me a bad and selfish human?
Love and family
Due to certain circumstances, I never married or had children. Yet, each of these acts were something I desired because I grew up in a family, while often filled with strife, that ultimately became and remains a tightly knit, loving and supportive place where comfort and strength can be found. I wanted to create that for myself, but I became very ill at a young age, had a series of immature and problematic relationships, and woke up one morning at 40 realizing that I had no home base, no true partner, and was as alone in this world as a woman could be.
Putting aside for a moment that women are often defined by their marital and family status, the fact is I longed for these things. I wanted a home and family in which I could have full participation. I didn’t get it then, and as luck would have it, I met and fell in love with someone who has already been unhappily married, already has a child of his own, and will likely never want those things with me.
Even if things went in such a way that freed these circumstances for us to pursue marriage, I’ll be nearly 50. Fine and good, but so much for a youthful fantasy. And as for the children, he doesn’t want anymore and has flat-out said so. I don’t know that I physically can at this point, and adoption at that late age just doesn’t seem all that sensible now.
This is a sorrow of huge proportions and despite my best problem-solving abilities, do not know how to heal the wounds and fill the empty womb of sorrow I carry with me every day.
What color is the grass again?
I have to reiterate that I understand life could be a lot worse. I know this not just intellectually, but because my life has been a lot worse. I’ve been on the streets, impoverished, in a mental institution, and was bed and house-bound due to illness for the majority of my 20s. I’m not inexperienced in the ways of pain and suffering, nor am I unworldly. I know that in so many ways I’m blessed.
Which is why in some ways the suffering becomes even more entangled. I think “How dare I, who have survived and thrived despite such odds, ask for anything more? What kind of selfish beast am I?”
The fact remains that I feel what I feel, and I’m asking for your insight as to what I can do to rise above this sense of utter failure at being human, this despair born of loss, this sense that had I been a man, or smarter, or more innovative, or thinner and prettier, or fill in the blank, that I wouldn’t be sitting at the edge of a precipice looking down at the sea of bitterness ready to slip off that edge and end up an old, unhappy woman who looks back at her life and berates herself and everyone around her for it not going her way.
I like to think I’m better than the selfish person I appear to be as I express these words and feelings. I like to think that I’ve loved for the sake of love, and given for the sake of giving.
I am neither saint nor guru. I am flesh and blood human and as I take stock in these things today, I am gravely concerned for my well being in my career, in my economic and physical health, in my pursuit of love and home.
Depression is a nasty darkness, and bitterness a pill I don’t want to swallow. I want to stay alive and see what the next adventure brings. I don’t really want to take my life or become bitter. What I want is to figure out how to fix what’s broken, repair the damage done, and feel as though what I have worked for 10 or more hours a day for the past two decades with a handful of days off not only means something to the world, but provides me with some kind of comfort and safety as life moves forward.
Filed under: faith(less)
Posted by: Molly | 7:29 am |
March 25th, 2006 at 8:32 am
Molly,
It makes me sad to hear this, especially as I am one who has suffered from depression. I know truly the strange dychotomy of feeling selfish and helpless at the same time: at the abject disbelief that one with an apparently charmed existence could feel so bad about oneself.
I cannot properly offer you advice or anecdotes–for me it seems to have been as simple as moving to a new place and escaping certain demons from my past. I feel that we each have our own trials and our own way of beating these things–or not, in the truly awful cases.
What I can offer, however, is some perspective on how you, specifically, has changed the life of this 25 year old web-developer. Through your influence, your tireless work, your sacrifice, I have learned many many things about what I believe to be the correct way to conduct my personal and professional life.
And because of those lessons, I am about to release a (free and self-funded) service that will help charities and social justice groups in a new and exciting way. So I too am trying to give my skills back to the community. Your methods and hard work taught me how to do that.
So in a way, you’ll probably have helped alot more people than just me. And through this work I’ve helped conquer my own demons. So I have to thank you for that.
I know that in a way, you already know a little of what I’ve said above is true. I just wanted you to know it from someone else’s perspective. You’re teaching entirely new generations of developers to make the world better. That’s a legacy anyone would be proud of on their very death-bed–and you’ve still got your entire life ahead of you.
March 25th, 2006 at 9:06 am
I don’t think you’d be human if you didn’t occasioanally ride the bitter bus. But you would no matter what your circumstances. If you were married, you’d long for more private time. If you had a bunch of dough, you’d be all busy and long for time to watch the lake and refect on your life.
Seems to me, yer doing pretty damn good.
More fodder for the reflection pool from Percy Shelley:
“…but in this life
Of error, ignorance, and strife,
Where nothing is, but all things seem,
And we the shadows of the dream,
It is a modest creed, and yet
Pleasant if one considers it,
To own that death itself must be,
Like all the rest, a mockery.
That garden sweet, that lady fair,
And all the sweet shapes and odors there,
In truth have never passed away:
‘Tis we, ’tis ours, are changed; not they.
For love, and beauty, and delight,
There is no death not change…”
March 25th, 2006 at 9:12 am
As we discussed a few weeks ago in person, it’s sadly true that a lot of the limelight in the web design world seems to directed by a “boys’ club” mentality, with many male organisers of large events giving their (almost always male) buddies a chance to speak, thus reinforcing the divide.
I wish I could come up with an easy solution to the problem. It shouldn’t be an act of positive discrimination (e.g. having an “all women” conference, or similar), but in an ideal world it would just be a natural levelling out of the playing field. Sadly, this idealism of mine often clashes with the real world…
Certainly, blogs and the general openness of our industry has meant that it’s a lot easier for somebody, even a relative unknown (heck, think about people like me who just entered a pissy Jakob Nielssen redesign contest), to all of a sudden get to be heard worldwide.
I often get accused of being naive in how I freely give away knowledge and attempt to help people (”what, you’re contributing to this site, spend time helping our competitor organisation with their CSS on a webdev list, etc and you’re not getting paid for it?”), but I share the same ideal that we should all be working together in a quest to make the web (and, in a small part, the world as a whole) a better place.
“I gave bounty to other people, took little or nothing for myself, and never in the past asked for some back from the person I helped”
I’m always at your service, you know that, don’t you?
March 25th, 2006 at 9:30 am
Molly,
I don’t know you personally, although I did meet you face-to-face at SXSW this March. But I’ve worked with you in the past and know that you are generous with your talent and top-notch in terms of expertise. You are also well-respected by your peers, which counts for a lot.
But, if I did know you personally, I think I’d suggest a ceremony of some sort. Call it a ceremony of surrender, or perhaps of acceptance. I’d take you out somewhere to a rock in the moonlight and we’d put those old longings in a fire or in a helium balloon or in box in the ground. We’d say some healing words or sing some songs intended to ease you through the passage of the years from youthful longing to elder wisdom. We’d dance around and raise our arms to the sky to give thanks for the woman you were and the woman you’ve grown to be. That woman is a leader, a guide, a teacher, and a light. Then we’d sit down and drink wine and talk all night about the vast possibilities that exist for you in the future and how you could move in many directions with ease. At dawn, we’d head home exhausted and ready for a refreshing sleep.
March 25th, 2006 at 10:18 am
Dear Heart,
I know exactly how you feel.
My very best love and bright blessings to you and yours,
Lee Anne
March 25th, 2006 at 11:02 am
Dear Molly,
First of all, let me say I am never happier to click through to an article from my news-reader than when it has been written by you. Personally, I feel your voice is heard loudest and clearest above the rest of the crowd - and that’s got to count for something.
What I’ve read here this morning, and what you’ve touched on in the past really, really, really makes me want to give you a big hug.
Virtual hugs just don’t cut it though. Will you settle for an I.O.U.?
You’re an amazing person. Really.
I met you briefly at WE05. And I so wanted to catch up with you again at SXSW, but couldn’t quite afford the time, or money, necessary to get there. I was really bummed. And, I still am. Sure, there’re a lot of good reasons to go to conferences like WE05 and SXSW, such as great presentations to listen in on. However, my main incentive for such things has always been about the people - and after WE05, it was the idea of meeting yourself (particularly), and others that had me contemplating the journey from Adelaide, South Australia to Austin, Texas.
I don’t know what to say regarding your life experiences. I am quite young at twenty-five, and blessed with a small family - including a wonderful partner and a beautiful two-year-old daughter, named Aurora. However, I battle with the effects of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome most days. And, I’ve had my share of depression. It’s not easy, and there don’t appear to be many easy solutions. At least, that’s the view I maintained before I opened myself and my situation up to others. Then I realised I had much more support than I ever imagined, and the load was lifted considerably.
My hope is that you will see you have an even greater base of support. You have, after all, touched so many lives and influenced the way in which thousands of people work (and I think that’s a conservative estimate).
I honestly feel I owe you much more than a meagre hug. I have tiny pockets, but tell me how to support a project of yours and I’ll be there - with many others (I have no doubt). To better explain: my copies of your last two books are well thumbed, but they’re dwarfed by the help you’ve given me here on your blog, and in other articles floating around the web.
As an example, consider a subscription-based podcast (and I’m there).
I am, of course, also eagerly awaiting yours and Andy’s DVD.
Now, this next bit may sound a tad weird coming from someone you don’t know, but I feel I know you pretty well (well, enough to know you’re human, have your ups and downs, and still manage to set an exemplary example of someone loving, and loveable). Anyway, I’d be honoured if Aurora (my daughter) knew you as her Aunty Molly. No doubt, she’d love it too.
Other great ideas (if I don’t say so myself) are sponsoring a child, and hanging out with a child through one of those “Big Sister” programs. Really wholesome and, most-times, really rewarding and fun stuff.
One last thing: I’ve burnt some bad memories (similar to Virginia’s suggestion), and I can say it does help - even if it does feel like the craziest thing you’ve ever done!
Keep smiling. Tomorrow is yours.
March 25th, 2006 at 11:09 am
Often not the best but the loudest voices were heard. It is definitely true in the computer industry.
You have stated that you are not materialistic.
By helping others, you have also earned respect and connection. You know that you had the ability to strive for money and power, but it would not be true to your core values.
Even if you have all those things that your lesser colleagues got, it doesn’t not mean that you will be happy.
When I saw you blog, I thought of this book:
Are You Somebody
The Accidental Memoir of a Dublin Woman
By NUALA O’FAOLAIN
She is a journalist of moderate fame/success who found herself old, lonely and childless. There was a fair bit about loneliness in the book and about choices made. I find it inspirational.
I know many older single woman who opted to have a child alone. Some by adoption and one by artificial insemination. Many of them went on to find a partner as a single mother. I am now in a not-so-good second marriage with one young child. Knowing what I know now, I would have done it alone in a place where I have friends and family close by. Having to work and take care of my daughter and put on a brave face for her left me no time for depression (I felt it sometimes but had to fake it to function and this drove the sadness away). A man can leave you anytime, but your child is yours forever.
You need to prioritize what you want in life and go for it. Look into the future. Don’t let the bitterness bog you down.
March 25th, 2006 at 11:24 am
Molly -
Your situation sounds so familiar to me: I’ve been where you are, my sisters and my friends as well. That doesn’t make it any more painful, but you are not alone.
What I hear is that you have given away so much of yourself, your time, your talents, your resources that you have nothing left to give. Somehow the flow never came back the other way to fill you up again. This happens to women in our society and culture. You give and give but there is no mechanism for the healing and the support to come back to you. Where is the recognition that you are a person of value? It’s simply not there. You’re a thing to be used up and thrown away.
Is this a true representation of who you are? Of course not!
You need a rock on which to stand. I see you on a wild shore, buffeted by crashing waves.
Something I learned many years ago, is that people construct their own versions of reality. Various cultural groups construct consesnus realities. The American mainstream has its consensus reality: material possessions are good, you need to own a nice car and a big house, you need to be recognized as an authority in your field, and so on.
Every one of the consensus realities consists of out-and-out lies. They hurt people who try to abide by their rules. Everyone is a fraud, knowingly or unknowingly. You cannot be a real human being and still fit comfortably into the consensus reality. It is never who you really are. Trying to pretend to be someone else and play by someone else’s rules will only cause you pain.
So, here you are, empty and in pain. You feel yourself a failure, that your options have all closed. It is not you who have failed. You have not failed but have awakened. You see the inadequacy of the commonly accepted reality. You see that you do not fit. You have not failed. The common reality is a fraud and a deception. You are not the problem.
You perceive yourself as isolated and alone. This is also an illusion. You are surrounded by a community of people who care about you. How did I find this web site? There was a message on the Systers listserv to read your message and send feedback.
Molly, you are a person of value who has become entangled in a set of lies that devalue you and your needs. Don’t believe the “should’ves”. You are who you are. Learn what you need coming in to you, to fill you with joy and love and happiness. Find out whatever it will take to make you secure in who you are. You need to feel safe and strong, protected and loved (not necessarily by individuals, which is one of the really damaging illusions of our society). Then ask for it. Demand it. Get what you need for yourself, not what anyone else thinks you should need, but what you truly need to be who you are.
By the way, I’m 15 years older than you are and I’ve been in IT off and on since the early 70’s, specifically in software application development for the past 24 years. I chose a very different path than you did, and I recognize that yours has been very difficult. You seem much more focussed than I ever was.
I always had lots of other things going on, became very involved in women’s volunteer groups at the grass roots level, sang in many different amateur and semi-professional groups, worked with community groups, and generally tied in to the communities of supportive women in many directions. It is a very different environment from the hostile and competitive male-dominated social structures where you have been. When I needed a support group, it was always there for me. It was a conscious decision. When I was having difficulties in the early years of my marriage (now defunct), the psychologist said, “If you’ve not getting the emotional support you need from your spouse, you need to get it from somewhere else.” It was excellent advice then and now.
From re-reading your blog, it seems that your debts and lack of financial security may be a major factor in your current situation. Create a plan. It may involve declaring bankruptcy, I don’t know, but that is one solution to an impossible financial situation. You need to act and take steps toward freedom from debt. Most cultures and societies do not allow and encourage debt the way the American culture does. Historically, debt causes great harm to individuals. Few people can handle it well. Better not to have the debt at all. That to me would be your first step: recognize the root cause of your current distress and take immediate steps to remedy the problem.
I will be checking in to your blog to see how you are doing, but don’t hesitate to contact me personally if you want to. We’re all sisters together, struggling to survive and make sense of a wildly unstable social and cultural environment.
Mary
March 25th, 2006 at 11:35 am
Dear Molly,
You’re not alone. I’m struggling through many of the same questions and finding few answers. I’ll be 50 soon, living in “blessed singleness” with my cat Grace, and looking back at my life to try and understand why I’m not where I thought I would be by this time in life. Never married, no children, chronically depressed for almost 40 years, in a lousy paying job — not where I dreamed of being by this age. So what’s wrong with me? The answer is pretty simple, nothing is “wrong” with me. I just made choices that led in many different directions but never updated my “goals” in life. Most days I can actually believe this
You have made a difference in so many people’s lives. You have a passion for your work that is evident in every word you write. You have a passion for living, for giving of yourself, and for leaving the world a better place than it was. Being a woman in a “man’s world” doesn’t get you half the recognition that you deserve, but you’ve never let that stop you either. You continue on. Molly, you are an inspiration to so many of us! You are one of my heros. And BTW, congrats on the W3C appointment! I think that’s awesome. It’s about time they recognized your talent, intelligence and passion!
The only real advice I can give you is that bitterness is the easy way out. Believe me, it’s taken years and years for me to figure that out. It is so easy to give in to the depression and let it overwhelm you. So gather round all those who love you. Open your heart to them and then listen to what they say. Their praise, love, and support will show you the amazing person you really are.
Try to focus on the here and now, not the past. The past is full of struggles and disappointments. Decoding your past to understand your present is fine and helpful, but don’t get bogged down in it. It is like quicksand — one step backwards and you’re lost in regret. Instead, where do you want to go from here? What will make you happy? How do you get there from here?
Take care of yourself!
Virtual hugs and positive energy being sent your way…
Karen
March 25th, 2006 at 12:39 pm
One of the best managers I ever worked for gave me the best piece of advice - when it comes to looking after people, make sure you are number one on your own list. You look after number one, and it will look after you.
I’ve been one of those that tries to be helpful - even when I can’t afford to. And much of the time, it seems to be expected of me. That piece of advice did get me thinking isn’t it selfish to put myself above others? It took me a long time to reconcile myself with that position, and yeah, it is selfish, but…
Because I’m looking after me first, that gives me a solid foundation to be generous. Selfishness provides a means to demonstrate kindness and generosity. In my case, that generosity is for my friends - the people who are there for me when I need someone to talk with.
I’m one of those that doesn’t value things in terms of money - that’s perhaps because I’ve got an income stream that covers my excesses sufficiently not for it to be a problem. I’m not aiming to be a millionaire, but a comfortable retirement is the main goal.
I’ve had to curtail my generosity. I’m getting more and more curmudgeonly and brittlely these days, I won’t offer the time for people who are not genuinely interested. I used to worry that by not offering makes me selfish, but the more I withold offering help, the more I notice there’s an expectation on the otherside for me to offer. And that hurts.
Molly, there is nothing wrong with putting yourself first. There’s nothing wrong with withholding help and guidance. The choice is yours and yours alone - and no-one has the right to expect what you decide to offer, or decide not to offer.
You are generous to others, to a fault. Its time to direct that generosity and kindness to yourself, and give in to what you want. In this case, a priority being building up a nest-egg for financial security. There is nothing wrong with that at all. With financial security sorted, you’ll still be able to share your wisdom and knowledge with one less problem to worry about.
There’s nothing wrong with scaling your public activities back a little, and spend some of that time in something like consulting - something that provides a more than decent income stream, and start building that nest-egg. That investment will provide some extra confidence - perhaps the confidence/stability (in a financial rather than personal sense) that a bitter-pill realises is missing.
Also, consider scaling back on the generosity. There’s a metaphor that’s going round my head right now - a bonsai tree is a beautiful plant, but it takes the singlemindedness of its owner to bring out that true beauty. There’s a choice between cultivating one brilliantly beautiful bonsai tree, or try to cultivate lots of them - the singlemindedness directed at one bonsai tree is going to create a lot more attention that tending to many.
I think the Zen of CSS Design is an example of the singleminded cultivation of one bonsai tree - in terms of richness, it surpasses the leading web design books of its time - it reminded me of “Usability: The site speaks for itself” which you co-wrote with Bruce - that was such an amazing book when it was published - I’ve never seen a book like it before, and CSS of Zen Design is a leap above even that. Both books got designers and developers talking about their sites and designs - providing insights and behind the scenes action.
I’m sad to say, those two books are the only ones in my collection that you authored - but they are two of the most innovative and rich books on my bookshelf.
Hopefully, my friends know that if there’s something I can do, they need only ask. Yes, you too!
March 25th, 2006 at 12:53 pm
Hi Molly,
dg of rexruff.com posted your blog entry of today on the Systers site.
A lot of what you wrote resonated with me and I empathize with you, To keep myself thinkinng about the power of the moment by being positive and focussed I try to remember the Yiddish proverb, “A man is not old until his regrets take the place of dreams.”
March 25th, 2006 at 1:00 pm
[…] Randomly clicking through feeds this morning, Molly Holzschlag’s post about inventorying her life and fighting bitterness jumped out at me. […]
March 25th, 2006 at 1:11 pm
Molly, you can’t know how much your post resonates with me. I’ve been (and in some ways still am) there.
There have been years I’d rather erase from memory, though I know that the pain endured made me who I am today. Therefore, it’s all for the best.
I had finally made peace with the fact that I’d remain alone forever in my early 40s. One month after I turned 44, I met someone and we just connected, immediately comfortable. We married 3 days before my 45th birthday. Children at this point are unlikely (you may still get pregnant, but miscarriage is 50% or more - this one I know from personal experience).
I’m with Virginia on the ceremony. Between us, we could think of many appropriate places in New Mexico to conduct one. It’s really pretty common in these parts (especially Santa Fe and Taos).
As for the accolades (or lack thereof), it does seem we’re in a time of the young turks. You have many, many fans and professionals who learned their craft from you, or improved/refined their skills. The difference is, they’ve been working instead of blogging, so their thanks has been internal, rather than broadly linked.
I owe you a drink (or a shared cry, your choice.)
March 25th, 2006 at 2:21 pm
Molly–My son Justin–a senior at RIT with a major in IT–is a major league fan of yours. He pointed to this post as an example of the authenticity that comes with so many blogs. Don’t let your experience turn you into a casualty. You’re a player. It may not be reflected on your bottomline, but you’ve played a role. About bitterness, I’ve learned from personal experience that it’s a poison that I swallow and expect the other person(s) to die. Be encouraged. Keep on trucking even if it can be a slog at times–WES
March 25th, 2006 at 2:30 pm
For what it’s worth, on at least one occasion I’ve wondered why, after writing 20+ books, I haven’t achieved the same recognition as Molly Holzschlag… I think we don’t always see the recognition we do get, or acknowledge it. At least I don’t.
I don’t have any answers, but I do have same empathy, having been in the business for over 15 years myself and having more debt than success to show for it.
Some days I understand that it’s not about the recognition or the money, it’s about what I’ve accomplished, the people I’ve helped, and the pride I have in achieving my goals, and the happy bits of my life outside my career.
Other days I just feel like crap.
Hang in there.
March 25th, 2006 at 3:03 pm
wow interesting topic, I have lots of stuff to read
March 25th, 2006 at 3:51 pm
[…] Molly Holzschlag has a profound heart-on-her-sleeve post up today - Owning My Bitter - which is as much about regret as it is about industry dissatisfaction. Often I envision I’m the only person not making riches and who believes in doing free and cheap work for good causes even if I can’t afford to hand out the time. How many mornings I’ve woken up to answer emails where someone was stuck on a coding issue and I’ve been off into the Google world looking for resources to send them. That is a good thing in my book - but money does need to be achieved as well. Also, I have to admit I’ve only been in the industry for three or four years and probably only the last year or two in an economic sense. […]
March 25th, 2006 at 3:56 pm
I got to your site from the systers link. It came at an opportune time, I’ve been starting to feel bitter about my own life lately. I’ve got the flip side of the coin. Married at 25, 3 kids by 35, and I feel so drained and exhausted from being pulled in different directions. Technology is changing so fast and I work part-time to be with my kids and I feel like I’ve fallen so far behind. I look at all the dreams our culture offers up to young girls (in addition to the white knight fantasies), all the high-powered career woman dreams — and I feel incredibly concerned about my daughters’ futures. I’m glad that both women and men can have high-powered careers if they choose, but I think there are so many sacrifices involved — time with our loved ones, time spent helping others, and time to listen to our small silent voices within. It sounds like you’ve affected a countless number of people in really positive ways, and you have a hard-earned confidence in your own abilities that is inspiring. Good luck getting what you want and need out of your life. May you figure out how to use your anger/bitterness as a guide for positive change. It sounds like you might have more recognition from people who matter than you may realize. And try not to worry about being selfish; it does not sound like your natural inclination! But if you ever want to help remind each other why the grass is not greener over there, drop me a line. My kids, much as I love them, drive me quite crazy on a regular basis and severely limit my career aspirations.
March 25th, 2006 at 4:00 pm
MOlly, I only know you through the blog and through what Eric writes of you. I have only read two of your books and now find I have more to read. While I wish I could offer better words of comfort than these, thanks for just being you. You have inspired me, made me laugh, and strive harder for the goals I wsh to achieve through your example of determination. I am hoping all is well with you soon.
March 25th, 2006 at 4:03 pm
Hi Molly
Wishing you all the best from Norty Pig…
I recently found watching “Walk the Line” brought back a lot of dark uglies I had to live with again. Think of life as made up of moments that led to now… moments that saw not all your friends make it that far and moments that were like grains of sand… and remember that those grains of sand are finite. Its that finite, fragile, smokey part of the sand that makes life worth living through good and bad.
I’m sure in the heart of you there’s a survivor or you wouldn’t be the person here today. So hang in there and I hope you enjoy the rest at your mother’s house.
March 25th, 2006 at 4:42 pm
Molly, this is an astonishing post — so open and honest. Thank you. Most of my response is at my own blog, but I wanted to bring this point up
Is it possible you are having an entirely healthy response to
I was standing right there like they don’t care
That I’ve more than paid my dues
And despite that I’m a bright, successful girl
I sing the ification blues
The ification blues?
It isn’t an experience that can be easily shaken off. Being angry and bitter in response to that kind of de-humanizing treatment is appropriate.
March 25th, 2006 at 4:55 pm
We are taught that making compromises is a negative thing. That it is ’settling for second best’. I don’t see it that way. It sometimes happens in life that the things we feel we want are just not going to happen even though the fact that they won’t is not your fault and cannot be affected by you.
I wanted to be lead designer, then a studio manager, then think about setting up my own design agency. I faltter myself I have the client facing, technical and aesthetic skills necessary for such a career progression. But it’ll never happen. Because of my family situation, dedicating the time to pursue a career path like that is a pipe dream. I will never be more than a middle weight designer/developer.
I am sad about that occassionaly. I have to curtail what I do professionaly to meet the desires of people who I know know vastly less than me about accessibility, usability, graphic design, branding, web marketing etc etc. That grates. I feel that if I had the time to devote to a career path like the one I outlined I would be in a position to be invited to speak at conferences. As it is, its highly unlikely I will ever be able to actually attend SXSW or @media, let alone be thought of as a possible speaker.
But how can I be sad about that when the compensations are that I am blissfully happy with my wife and my children? We will never be rich. We will always struggle financially but there is a joy in each others company that is so far beyond any career or financial satisfaction that these things seem like vague annoyances most of the time.
It took me a long time to get to this place. It seems like it is taking you some time too. What I can assure you, as someone who has also stared at a sunrise after a long, fruitless night of contemplation, is that you will get to that place. The trick is to stop searching for it. Find your happiness in the things that make you happy. A good novel. A well written play. A nice meal. A project that taxes your skills (but not too much!). I would respectfully disagree with Isofarro - it isn’t about putting yourself first, but more about not letting the world put you last. You can spend you whole life on a journey but the trouble with journeys is that one rarely gets to see the scenery as one is always looking ahead.
dg quoted Shelley. I’ll quote the Rolling Stones:
You can’t always get what you want,
But if you try sometimes you just might find…
You get what you need.
March 25th, 2006 at 5:13 pm
As a woman 2 years your senior and childless, I’m too proud to feel depressed. I have long since realized that I’m the major cheerleader for myself. Sometimes the cheerleader calls in sick, I would then take a long, brisk walk, cook a good savory meal, followed by a scentful bath before falling into a sound sleep just to revitalize enough for another brand new day.
I’m in the 5th year of a loving relationship, to which I have devoted much time and energy — cooking, cleaning, laundering, dog-sitting… Starting from my late 20’s right after my last committed relationship, I spent a decade pursuing personal goals — a graduate degree and a green card, being well aware all along of my dwindling childbearing capacity. I had made my choice, noted the consequences, and I fully accept the situation today.
I’m now re-educating myself for a new career and am not depressed even though my retirement savings are being drained to finance my career change. Having no kids gives me the freedom to pursue my current goal — a more fullfilling job.
Healthy living (nutritious food & physical exercises), personal financial independence, and a supportive circle of friends and family are the 3 most important things in my life. I intend to invest heavily on them just to stay out of depression.
Thanks for sharing!
March 25th, 2006 at 5:51 pm
Here are my thoughts.
1. Count your blessings. Instead of emphasizing what you do not have, consider what you have. As far as I can see, you have a lot (an abundance). Many people would give an arm and a leg to have your knowledge and talents. Are you disabled, ugly, sick, are you destitute? It is all relative …
2. Learn some form of meditation (if you have not yet) and if you do know one, practice it more often. Meditation helps take you out of the world of duality into the oneness of the universal being … whatever you conceive it to be.
3. Think not of wealth in terms of what you have, but what you are … learning to accumulate material wealth is a matter of management. And there is an abundance of information out there in books and the world wide web which can help you.
That is all I have to say. I hope it helps in some way.
All the best.
Ken
PS: See what you have got back by putting this out in the universe, albeit the world wide web.
March 25th, 2006 at 6:35 pm
Hi Molly.
I noticed you focussing on the choices and regrets in your past… to me, the most important question is,
what do you want now out of life?
I’m 46, when I asked that question, I locked my husband out and started over, to follow my goals, my dreams, my bliss …
I delved into my belief systems, about what I value, and that ’stuck’ feeling, like the one you write about your regret at a)having made choices that led to no children and b)having made choices to stay with a man who doesn’t want children and c)choosing to honor his choice instead of your wish for children… there are beliefs behind each of these choices, and uncovering them may make you more at peace with the choices, or more inclined to take risks, and make other choices.
The question is, what do you believe that supports this choice? That love of this man is worth more than your dreams of a child? That having or adopting a child will wreck your relationship? That raising a child on your own is too hard? That it is only responsible to procreate if you and your guy both agree? Maybe all of these, maybe others, but as you answer your belief system questions, life becomes a series of choices, albeit with an unfair deck, but at least you pick how to play the cards. There’s a lot of life coaching books that lead to thinking in this way.
At least I know it did for me.
As to the lack of recognition, I see that as related to the lack of producing money, money is how our culture keeps score, and that type of success tends to lead to more recognition. Ie, I am suggesting that these are not independent. By the way, Sam Walton hadn’t made his fortune by our age, either, and unless I miss my guess Trump was bankrupt at about our age. I’m proud of you taking the risk to create your own business, as the ‘employee’ route, while safer, rarely comes in in the big money. I work as an employee because with kids to feed, I am still risk averse.
Jesus loves you, and I pray that you find the best path for you, leading to happiness and success.
Carol G
March 25th, 2006 at 7:29 pm
This quote just seems to be appropriate…
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
~ Maya Angelou
…and Molly, my sister — you inspire, you share, you love, you write, you ARE
You’re Molly!! Thank God for that!!
March 25th, 2006 at 10:06 pm
Hi Molly,
I’ve been ‘working the web’ since 1999, but only came to know of you since I started to learn and understand web standards (around 2002/3). To me I think that speaks volumes - you had been working in entirely the right circles, whilst the rest of us had to catch up!
Your presentation at WE05 was particularly inspiring to me, and has remained with me ever since. As my career on the web progresses, I hope your words will continue to be there, inspiring me and a legion of others.
So whilst your influence may have not been felt during the earlier years of your career, it most definitely is now, perhaps doubly so.
As mother nature is to Earth, Molly is to the web, there to remind us of its true power and potential, and doing all she can to fix all those bits that are broken.
Translated: we would be lost without you
March 25th, 2006 at 10:13 pm
Molly, we’ve met fleetingly, and my thought was GEE I WANT TO GET TO KNOW THIS WOMAN. But alas at SXSW I was mostly sick. But I was admiring from afar.
What I want to say is I have no advice, but I am sending you lots of virtual beams. I think there are many of us who resonate with many of the things you wrote, individually and collectively. My best support when I’ve been in a downslope is the other women around me.
If I can be an ear or even a simply sympathetic cluck, I’m here. Even a relative stranger. The caring you threw out here will bounce back to ya!
Nancy
March 26th, 2006 at 12:00 am
Some one, I forget who, said “you can either do something or be something”.
I’m sure you find meaning in your work. Most people don’t.
So focus on tommorrow. You can’t change the past, only learn from it.
March 26th, 2006 at 12:40 am
If your income is just somewhere near the amount you asked for not that long ago (which you in fact wrote it was), I don’t think you should complain, but rather look at the ways you spend them.
As I see it, someone who really knows his/her way around the different technologies, is someone who is also able to come up with new and better ways to do things; an innovator. Naturally there’s much more to it, but I think it’s at least hard to claim to be a leading expert without being innovative to some degree (though several claim to be it). And, imo, being a member of the HTML WG should require such expertise, and/or a huge knowledge about multiple standards and practices etc. Either way, ’seniority’ as such should have nothing to do with it.
Now I have only been somewhat involved in this industry for a few years, and never read any of your books, so I’m fairly unaware of what your main qualities are, besides being an evangelist; can you please enlighten me? Which of these ‘new’ ideas did you have 10 years ago? What makes you a leading expert?
March 26th, 2006 at 1:03 am
[…] I was surprised to read this post by Molly. I was touched by the honesty of her words, and the courage of the writer behind them. And I was saddened by the reality of it all. I always thought she was the uber-successful woman of the web, an inspiration to all of us. Sometimes we forget that our super heroes are human afterall. […]
March 26th, 2006 at 4:57 am
I think I’ve glimpsed your frustration here, Molly. I don’t really know what to tell you, other than this one thought: if you get to the idea that some folks see farther because they stand on the shoulders of giants, it seems to me that you are definitely one of those giants.
I work in manned spaceflight. No one knows who designs and builds this stuff—von Braun is the only space-era rocketeer that has any name recognition outside of the pocket protector set. But I fully recognize that I work everyday with people who are giants in their field that largely go unrecognized.
It’s difficult, though, in a field as yours, because the very nature of what you do makes you and your peers out to be celebrities of a sort. In my casual monitoring of celebrity, I’ve noticed that notoriety and ability don’t regularly coincide in a meritocratic sense.
That leads me to my final conclusion: you’re the Dame Judi Dench of Web wonkery.
March 26th, 2006 at 8:20 am
Hi Molly - I’m really sorry to hear that you are feeling so down about certain things in life (things that may or may not be in your control). I was going to put a lengthy reply here [Insert lengthy, thoughtful reply]…but I’m the 33rd response to this article and look: other people have already supplied really lengthy, well-considered responses to this article. So my words really wouldn’t add much to things…here at the tail end of the comments. I read your article yesterday, when there were only 7 replies…and I should’ve responded at that time…but I was just on my way to bed…so I thought I’d leave it until today (big mistake eh?!) There really is a great deal to comment about after the points you’ve raised in your article….but I’m like a ‘whisper’ among a greater crowd of outspoken opinions. Perhaps the best has already been said…
Know this though: There is an extremely large community of people who think the world of you…an extended family of sorts…and there are many who will stick by you when you’re feeling down about certain things. We applaude you and respect you, we care about when you’re down, and cheer when you get things so very right. Of course - personal matters in your own life are really your own thing….but I’m sure I’m not alone in wishing you the best.
March 26th, 2006 at 8:49 am
you rock molly. how can we make you a millionaire?
It seems that being good at business is different from every other skill in the world and being good at anything doesn’t mean you’ll be good at the business side of it either. I’d say take the route of Clear:left and Blue Flavor. If you don’t think you’re a business power house on your own team up with other people. That’s what I hope to do one day at least.
March 26th, 2006 at 12:02 pm
Hi Molly,
I recently had the chance to look back on my career as a technical writer and realize that, if I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have gone this route. Yes, when I make money I make good money, but the IT industry has so many ups and downs that I too have next to no money saved and am having trouble finding work. It has gotten so bad that I’m now tempted to take a job appraising real estate.
Also, I know you rejected putting ads on your site, but give Adsense a try. A site as popular as yours deserves to bring in some income, especially if you are struggling.
Say Hi to Linus for me.
March 26th, 2006 at 1:30 pm
Sometimes I have felt the way you do. I make less than 20K, am divorced, live alone, work a very stressful job, and about a week ago witnessed the birth of my first grandchild — stillborn.
I spend hours, literally, wasting time on the computer or in front of the TV, or in bed.
The birth of my grandson was a wake-up call for me. I don’t focus on ME or my shortcomings anymore. I try to focus on the “what if…” What if the next person I meet has been through what I have? What if the next person just needs a smile and a word of encouragement? What if …..(fill in the blank)….? Actually I’ve always been this way. I realized that being the person who is on the flip side of it is no fun. I’m still a failure, but a failure who has the ability to make a difference in someone else’s life.
Do I think this is right for you? No. Not unless that’s what you want. This is just a comment, not advise.
March 26th, 2006 at 10:15 pm
Right on, Molly. I think all the stuff about acceptance and peace, well, take it with a grain of salt. It’s okay to be pissed off and put that into constructive action. And I’m rooting for you to get a ton of respect and recognition — recognition that translates into cold hard cash.
This post is a great example of what I value most about blogging. How fucking rare is it that we get to see someone we don’t know have an honest moment? Don’t you suspect that on some level everyone feels things on this level of complexity (and more) but they only articulate it in private?
I’ve got to poke through your archives now…
March 27th, 2006 at 12:40 am
Molly. First of all, the virtual hug thing. <hug></hug> Now, can I suggest you go down to a shooting range with a dirty great big gun and let loose (on the target only). I seem to remember that it was quite therapeutic last time!
Proper hugs next time I see you (June, of course)
March 27th, 2006 at 1:55 am
Oh Molly, Molly. The world would be a much poorer place if it weren’t for people like you enriching our lives and souls; not for you the grasping mentality so rife everywhere, generosity like yours is overlooked and much under appreciated.
When I asked a friend of mine the secret of his success and huge wealth, he was unabashed in declaring that bribery in business made his fortune. I just take heart that whilst he has a lifestyle few can afford, his worries are not in the least diminished.
Public recognition of achievment would be a just reward for your work, but the private recognition you get should give you heart. I was the coward who bowed out of IT a few years ago, just privately keep up to date, because the politics in the industry were so stressful. Sane voices such as yours, need to be heard over and over again. I would like to say that being a woman has nothing to do with the position you finds yourself in. I can’t, as it is probably true. From my experience in IT (30+ years), when things got rough, the men hid behind bluff and rhetoric, the women were the voice of sanity, the men took the credit. I often wondered how that worked and I assume nothing has changed.
March 27th, 2006 at 2:07 am
Molly
I turned 40 these days and realized that many questions similar to the ones you have, seem to be part of the plan. I am sure this all will lead to some great changes and decisions in yout futur
keep pushing
rolf
March 27th, 2006 at 4:42 am
Hi Molly
I’ve been through a host of life changing events, some of which surprised me by turning my natural responses around. At the end of my marriage I vowed I would never marry again, have kids again etc etc.
I vowed all sorts of things, thinking they were the answer to the problems that had dogged me all my adult life. Then time passed and after personal reflection upon reflection upon reflection I got down to the simple tenets that I now live my life by.
Those that work for me are not necessarily the right one’s for you, but overall:
Honesty & Truth (including my assessments of myself)
Embrace Life
Reject Clutter (yes, mental too)
There is nothing material that I must have that I dont already
Be Real
Business, Money, Status mean NOTHING if the above are out of step so dont make it the first priority.
If you make a list af all the things that are important to you and then trim and trim again, look at what’s left and all the rest is just clutter.
There is more peace in simplifying than in ‘helium balloons’, desert ‘rituals’ and all that nonsense. Look within and take a step back. Keep what is REALLY important. Dispose of the rest.
Your intellect (which is in no doubt!) will help.
Ask yourself … does it really matter that so and so has earned twice what I have and I came up with the idea?
Who does that diminish, not you certainly.
There is enormous strength in resolve. Keep yourself true and safe. Surround yourself with the few people you can count on to help you achieve this.
And last of all, just take a step back, take a deep breath, and carry on. Because one day you’ll be glad you did.
With all the best intentions and tons of admiration.
Peter
March 27th, 2006 at 5:21 am
Molly, I’m thinking of you pet. And I’m typing up an email (if Google Mail behaves itself) to you.
March 27th, 2006 at 7:08 am
Take a look at this:
http://www.bmf.org/godslove/tl.html
You might find it comforting.
As the Author of this book used to say:
“Whatever comes, let it come, Whatever goes, let it go”
Take care Molly!
-Peace
March 27th, 2006 at 8:28 am
Others have said pretty much everything.
Only be strong enough for YOU, and keep talking, the dark clouds will pass.
March 27th, 2006 at 10:01 am
I started working as a web developer in 1994. It wasn’t until 2003 that I first heard your name. One day I stumbled across alistapart.com and suddenly discovered that there was this entire web-ecosystem of standards evangelists and syntax slingers that I’d never heard of in all that time. Having immersed myself in it now it’s easy to forget what a small, insular circle it is — it feels like the whole web is just us; I have to catch myself when I feel shock at another developer not recognizing the name “Zeldman”.
The people with money don’t know who Zeldman is. The millions of users of each “web 2.0 app” don’t know who Zeldman is. The kids who flock to poorly designed and even more poorly implimented Coldfusion sites couldn’t care less who Zeldman is.
When looking at this ecosystem, you can’t connect merit to financial success or even userbase. Your worth is measured by how many people who wouldn’t recognize your name have put your teachings into practice.
March 27th, 2006 at 11:12 am
Molly, I must represent hundreds, if not more, women who read your site, and learn from your books, and rarely leave a comment. Remind yourself that you have touched many lives.
March 27th, 2006 at 1:21 pm
What is Success?
As I’m not a chaser of internet luminaries, I’d missed knowing Molly Holzschlag and her work until pretty recently. But today it’s not her web-y skillz that make me pay attention to her. She posted a couple of days ago…
March 27th, 2006 at 1:56 pm
After learning so much from you, Molly, I’m hoping I can offer something in return.
Sit back, take stock of your life, and decide not just what is missing but what it is that you really, truly want. Choose it, focus your energies on it in a positive way, and go after it. You’ll get it.
And incidentally, 40 - 45 is not at all too late to have a child for the first time, assuming you are a healthy woman.
It’s up to you to change your life! Grab hold of all that energy that your bitterness provides, then turn and run with it in a new direction.
Go Molly go!
March 27th, 2006 at 2:23 pm
Oh. And one more thing.
Keep clear of the people that bring you unhappiness… even if they once brought you love. You deserve someone who will give you all of himself, openly and honestly. It all goes back to deciding what you really want AND what you really need. The answers are there, you just have to let yourself hear what those little voices have been whispering.
It’s all good, Molly. Just let yourself see it.
March 27th, 2006 at 4:23 pm
Molly, you’ve always been and always will be my biggest inspiration when it comes to anything Web related. You’ve added the personal touch to professionalism, you’ve done more and accomplished more than most anyone I know. That you’re so underappreciated for it is a downright crime, but sometimes life just isn’t fair.
However, what you may need to do is rethink your business strategy entirely. I’ve suggested this once before, I suggest it again, now. In the long run, it’s not going to do anyone a lot of good if you only help others and not credit yourself appropriately, both monetarily and otherwise.
Regardless of that, though, I’m alwys here for you if you need me, and so are many others. Much love and giant hugs!
March 27th, 2006 at 5:33 pm
Molly I don’t know how you feel about this, but I’m going to pray for you. Life NEVER turns out the way we think it will. I have had the wife and mother thing all my life and there was a point when I planned to go back to school but my husband got a job opportunity that was too good to pass up so that time passed. Children came late in life. I’m 51 and a 5 year stroke survivor. My husband is on dialysis and plans are being made for a transplant this summer. I’ve had a good marriage but multiple compromises because it was the choice I made. We all wonder about the roads not taken as we get older and no matter what our circumstance things look totally different depending on our perspective of the moment. No one is happy all the time. When you gave I’m assuming it made you happy at the time. It is only now that you are comparing yourself to others that it makes you unhappy. I have pity parties from time to time but I have made my choices and there have been moments of indescribable joy too. That’s what life is. The only advice I have for you is don’t get lost in that trap of what might have been or what others are or have. If you make choices that you can live with at the time then you have done well for you and that’s all that really counts. I have children in high school and I wished for them for years but now I wonder if my husband and I will live to see grandchildren - my goal is just to see them through college. We have health insurance but we also have great need for it. We have an income we can survive on but there is great doubt that enjoying each others company in retirement will be a reality. There was a person I was jealous of because she had money, clothes, was thin, and had a husband who supported her in basically anything she did. Then she had a child who nearly died at birth and is who will more than likely need aheart transplant down the line. Would I trade places with her? Not on your life. These are just our realities and the point I guess I’m trying to make is that there is a price with everything. You can’t always change your circumstance but you can always change your attitude towards that circumstance. Have a pity party if you want and it seems like you have plenty of reason but then pick yourself up by the seat of your pants and get on with it. From what little I’ve read you definitely have the resources - brains, humor, guts, and marketable gifts. Get up, get out, and get on with it. I don’t even know you personally and I have faith in you.
March 27th, 2006 at 7:25 pm
Molly,
I wish you the best.
Your 40’s is not too late to have or adopt a child. If you adopt you can make a child so happy.
With all of your talents you can find some activity to make money. Not too late for that either.
March 27th, 2006 at 10:42 pm
Molly, for what it’s worth…
You have long been an inspiration. I’m a web designer whose career tanked with the dot.bomb. After a few years of struggling with unemployment and underemployment I became a paralegal. It’s a living. It helps to be a chameleon in these mercurial economic times.
I still read your site often. You are creative and a good writer, and you continue to inspire my own passion for the web.
None of the things you talk about in your post brings lasting happiness. For example, being a parent has its rewards but many challenges too. You are never as vulnerable as you are when you have a child, because you know if something ever happens to your child you will never be the same. Children grow up. They change. Sometimes they grow away from you. Sometimes they die before you do. There are no guarantees.
There is no point in measuring and defining yourself by external standards. You don’t have to own your bitter either, just let it go.
The poster above who suggested meditation offered some good advice. Life is fleeting - everything is impermanent. Don’t worry. Just be where you are.
March 28th, 2006 at 3:09 am
you are surrounded by love and respect
March 28th, 2006 at 4:16 am
http://secretgeek.net/depression_is_easy.asp
March 28th, 2006 at 4:22 am
Oh, and you gotta watch this:
http://www.channel4.com/entertainment/tv/microsites/S/shameless/
It’s right up your street.
March 28th, 2006 at 4:38 pm
There is absolutely nothing wrong with having ads on your site, and I’m sure that they will not be a distraction. It it will help you out, Go for it.
March 29th, 2006 at 7:39 am
I ran across your essay while in search of your color chart, and thought I would send a quick note of support. I purchased, for the office, “Using HTML 4 Sixth Edition” some years ago and found it to be extremely helpful and easy to understand. I do a little bit of web programming, not a lot, and this book got me going, and keeps me going because I refer to it still fairly regularly. So your efforts have not gone into a great black hole; they have been appreciated.
Being a bit of a financial underachiever, I am unqualified to make any comments about money, but it does irritate me how society worships it so, and defines success in terms of it. If I every bother to point out how Bill Gates breaks the law, I am immediately and soundly refuted with, “You’re just jealous because he’s rich,” and that’s the end of the discussion. I mentioned to someone once that I has a fairly high class ranking in high school and the immediate and astonished comment was why was I not making a six-figure income. Who can explain. And in a “Christian” country too. Hasn’t anyone read the manual? (Of course it is two thousand years old.)
Good luck out there.
March 29th, 2006 at 10:39 am
Is it me or have a lot of responses to this blog post been edited/removed? Some Spin Doctoring at work here, I think!
March 29th, 2006 at 12:32 pm
I’m not going to say that I can relate. Or to “keep your chin up”.
Instead, I’m going to recommend that you take the time to read this (if you have already, read it again).
April 1st, 2006 at 8:15 pm
Maybe you should read this!
April 2nd, 2006 at 1:15 pm
It seems that I am being late, but I’m so behind in my reading that it isn’t funny anymore
Molly you have been a huge inspiration to me and many other women in this world. I look up to you for the way you handle things in tricky situations and I wish that I had half of the writing skills that you have. You are special to me, don’t ever forget it! I’m sure a golden opportunity will come along so that you can fulfill your dreams and goals. Anything is possible as long as you believe in it, that’s what I remind myself every day. A big hug from Geert and me and chin up girl 
April 3rd, 2006 at 4:50 pm
Hi! my name is molly as well …wow, i totally see where you are coming from. I mean relationships can really suck and i relate to what you are going through eveyone goes through shit but some more than others. Ive had some crappy experiences in my relationships as well and gone through some major depression mostly because of my family and boyfriends. I find that i just dont understand the opposite sex . They piss me off so much all the time. My ex boyfriend and i Are still friends we were on and off for about a year. I want that whole american dream and stuff but sometimes the crap you have to put up with doesnt make it seem worth it at all. I think its stupid how so many people have double standards for relationships. And being cheated on or ignored is GAY! i hate it that is why i plan on being single for quite a while. god life can realy suck and i agree you dont want to be selfish but sometimes people just want more out of life and its perfectly normal. Hopefully my next life may be better.
April 4th, 2006 at 2:43 pm
Molly, This is my first comment on your blog. I’m very sorry to hear that you are having a hard time and I understand your bitterness. I’m still pretty young, but I know how hard it is being a woman in this business with financial issues. I just want to tell you that you are such an inspiring person. Your achievements have been incredible and I consider you a real role model. I think you seem lovely just how you are and I am absolutely sure that all of your contributions haven’t gone unoticed nor will they ever be forgotten.
April 12th, 2006 at 10:15 am
Your article touched a lot in me, even though we are on different sides of the gender and generation gap.
You sound like me at 42. The conflict between social and personal goals is a real, and dangerous one. I went to one of those “progressive” mid-60’s colleges and saw the way that people in business make money — by paying less for what they buy and those they employ and paying more for what they sell. My friends and I bought into that critique of society and decided we could not honorably work for corporate America. Some of the more radical and famous of us ended up being stock brokers and marrying Jane Fonda. Others of us chose the helping professions and volunteered and gave away skills that otherwise could have been sold because it seemed wrong to take money for helping others.
Ultimately, I believe we are defined by which side we choose. The world judges us a success if we emphasize the personal goals (and how many Mercedes do you have?)
But if we have any sense of the world as an organism, space shared by the strong and the vulnerable, and if we have any sense that we should make that world a better place, then I don’t think that we can define ourselves in terms of material successes.
Having never met you, I can speak as an expert.
Two sentences sum up your conflict:
(1) I’m having a rough time lately dealing with Web 2.0 hogwash and watching people I love and respect make successful careers out of canned content, apps that fall short of true innovation, or coming up with “new” ideas that I’d not only thought about 10 or more years ago, but have the published evidence to prove I did.
(2) In the meantime, I watch colleagues who are less innovative, less well-connected, sometimes less talented, and generally far less generous with their knowledge than I have ever been rake in the money and laugh all the way to the bank, flaunt their VC dollars with reckless pride, and show off the stuff that they’ve “earned” along the way.
You are creative because you are never satisfied and have no tolerance for the mundane. You are depressed because you are wise enough to analyze anything you have done and find new and creative ways to do it. (Which makes it feel like you didn’t do it right the first time.)
So, if you want to “flaunt … VC dollars with reckless pride, and show off the stuff that [you’ve] “earned” along the way”, sell canned, stale apps 80% of the time to support your creative self 20% of the time.
But my sense is that “true innovation” and a desire to “spread the word” are key values to you. In that case, you are probably doomed to try to live out your deep-seated beliefs: “It’s been said that we should love for the sake of love, and give for the sake of giving. That the acts of love and giving are fulfilling enough in and of themselves.”
You have control over that choice. Choosing the course of flaunting VC dollars will certainly deal with the bankruptcy and medical insurance. Giving up you desire to control your working world by having you own business will free you up from the slavery of a business. (And given your name recognition, you could probably get some big ad agency to pay you far more than you are worth.)
On the other hand, choosing the personal freedom of setting your own direction and living out your values, will open you up to the vagaries of the world.
The reasons for your failings are not part of a personality or behavioral or gender defect on your part. Other folks with similar “defects” have done well. And folks without these “defects” have suffered like you. While any of these things may seem to have contributed at time, your fundamental problem is that “stuff happens” and the “world is not fair.”
If you want to be angry and depressed, blame the world. (Plus blaming the world means you don’t have to take responsibility.)
If you want to get past that, remember the times that you gave to others instead of selling to others and take credit for that.
April 16th, 2006 at 3:11 pm
[…] Den ukronede dronningen i webstandard-miljet er uten tvil Molly E. Holzschlag. Hun har vrt i gamet i en rrekke, har skrevet en rekke relevante bker, jobber med W3C, er gruppeleder for The Web Standards Project (WaSP), har de rette vennene og deltar som taler p de store konferansene. N m jeg vel innrmme at jeg ikke syns bloggen hennes er den lekreste p nettet, men hun er utvilsomt til stor inspirasjon for mange der ute. […]
April 17th, 2006 at 4:37 pm
Molly,
Where do I begin? This touched me in such a profound way as a woman of some age - 52! who has worked almost her entire adult life. I know you continue to be an inspiration, and teacher for so many! including my son A.J., who called me so excited after the night he met you in Tucson, and went on….and on….about how brilliant you are. You have made such a difference in your career field, and will continue to do so, I’m sure!
I’m coming out West when the baby is born, and I’d love to meet you.
May 3rd, 2006 at 4:35 am
[…] My previous, recently deleted, blog had a number of posts related to library matters, particularly on the Library 2.0 meme that is going around the biblioblogosphere, but I soon realised that even this esoteric field of human enquiry had more than enough people blogging about it, and with far more dedication and knowledge than I. So I opened it up a bit to include some stuff about digital photography, but I am fairly new to this medium, and I really do think the picture should do the talking, so I kept those posts to a minimum. I had very few, if any, posts about my personal life, and this is basically because my personal life is, well, personal. It’s not that I think any the less of someone when I read about their personal lives in their blogs — Molly Holzschlag has written quite movingly about hers — it’s just that I can’t help but feel like a voyeur when I’m reading that kind of material, so I can’t bring myself to be that public myself. […]
November 6th, 2006 at 4:41 pm
Hello Molly,
who do everyone speak about depression? Can’t it be just that life sucks? That we don’t like who it has treated us. That we don’t (we just don’t) think it’s joyful with sunsets, friends, hugs, children and stuff like that. I’m not depressed myself, i laugh everyday, i have fun. Still i think life itself sucks, what’s bad in mine will never get better, since it’s in the past, and as we all know, we can only barely forget the past - but never avoid it.
/Tobias (sweden)
November 29th, 2006 at 5:38 am
There is an interesting book - The Selfish Gene
(This is not from it)
have you ever seen one puppy in a litter stand back and indicate “after you” to the runt or any other puppy? It is because of Ignorance? Is that a deeply considered and researched answer?
Should all the puppies stand back? who would go first? or would they all starve? because the first to go ahead would not be putting others before himself.
Do plants have manners? How does the whole fabric of life (outside of humans) work with such innate ignorance and selfishness?
Human’s are naturally considerate and caring of their pack - as are dogs - but are taught to be even more so sometimes to the detriment of themselves.
They can also be selfish to the extreme - obviously.
Pack/social animals like dogs can seemingly “learn” to be more “considerate” and have better “manners” and “care” more than say: cats.
knee-jerk philanthropy doesn’t “come naturally”
But to anyone who thinks I’m suggesting we all go out and be selfish…
sigh!!…..
Some humans take the training and early reprimands and well-meant guilt trips about sharing and putting others first, pretty deeply. They are disgusted at the idea of selfishness and detest it in themselves and others. They then spend life subconsciously finding ways to punish themselves for this deep secret that maybe they have a very normal amount of selfishness.
Even if they could see some sense in this, many don’t trust themselves that they could handle a normal amount of “selfishness” - they think it will breed and transform them into a monster.
Their life default is to unconsciously put everyone else before themselves on a “soul” and “spiritual” level and that is a kind of very slow suicide.
If every single cell in your body did not have at least a fraction of “selfishness” it would simply not bother.
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April 7th, 2008 at 3:20 am
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April 8th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
i like it
April 8th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
interesting, thanks
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April 11th, 2008 at 9:44 am
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April 21st, 2008 at 3:28 pm
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April 21st, 2008 at 7:35 pm
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April 21st, 2008 at 11:44 pm
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April 22nd, 2008 at 7:46 pm
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April 22nd, 2008 at 7:46 pm
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April 24th, 2008 at 7:14 am
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