molly.com
Friday 28 October 2005
The Taming of the Fear
WHEN I WAS TWENTY-ONE away at college in Tucson, I became extremely ill and was hospitalized. No one could figure out what the problem was, and before long I was back in New Jersey with family, where I could barely feed and clothe myself, much less go from physician to physician while my poor mother, bless her, tried desperately to help her suffering daughter.
My folks had made plans before the onset of my illness to take a trip to Spain and Malta, and they really needed the break. They decided to leave me in the house, where my brother Morris, who was staying in New Jersey, could come by and look in on me, and friends and neighbors could do the same.
A Dark and Trembling Night
One night, my mother’s best friend Eda, who is a second mother to me to this day, spent time with me during a very bad episode. I was extremely ill, and very, very frightened. I called her for support, and she came over and sat with me for hours, holding my trembling hand. I talked to her about how I was so terribly afraid of what was happening to me.
That the diagnosis was so long in coming wasn’t helping, particularly as my symptoms were becoming worse. I was in pain constantly, I was unable to eat regularly, sit up, or concentrate for any period of time beyond a few minutes. I began having seizures, became emotionally labile, and was sometimes unable to form sentences properly, the words coming out all mixed up.
I wasn’t just afraid, I was out and out terrified. I didn’t want to die. I was a young woman who had always had so much energy. What had happened to me? What was happening to me?
Eda is a biologist. Her outlook on the world is very practical in many ways, and we talked about fear that long night. She told me that fear is not only part of life; it is life’s motivating factor. She explained to me about the “flight or fight” phenomenon, which is actually the body’s way of managing threats. When we feel stressed or threatened, adrenaline and other hormones begin to flood the body, preparing it to run or fight, whichever is necessary.
Eda explained to me that based on this, her belief is that all human emotion is based on fear, including love. At 21 years of age, I had an extremely difficult time with this concept. I still had a very romantic version of what love was supposed to be, despite already having suffered several heartbreaks in my short life. I grappled with this thought for many, many years to come.
Heart Parts
About seven years later I was back in Tucson, after spending nearly a decade being house and bed-bound, in hospitals, through multiple surgeries and chemotherapies, through many health crises, one of which very nearly cost me my life.
I began to venture out into the world, cautiously, slowly, and fearfully. Trying to find my footing and rebuild some semblance of normalcy into my life, I volunteered a few hours a week at a local women’s art gallery, where I quickly made friends.
One woman I became particularly close with, Lucia, also had very serious medical problems. She had been born with a heart defect, and had been through multiple surgeries to replace valves within her heart.
Remembering what Eda had told me about fear, still struggling with depression and confusion in trying to find myself and open up to a world in which I’d missed many vital years of growth, rites of passage and so on, I talked to Lucia about fear.
Fear, Lucia said, was a presence we could never rid ourselves of. However, with skill and patience, we could learn to manage fear by re-orienting our relationship with it. She took me through a role-playing exercise in which I envisioned fear in human form. She had me sit in a chair and visualize fear as sitting across from me, and begin a dialog.
“Fear” I began, feeling awkward but curious as to where this would lead. “I’m angry at you. You’ve controlled my life for a very long time, and in many ways, I feel paralyzed by your power.”
Fear responded with complete silence. What now?
Lucia told me to tell fear that I had respect for the role that fear played in my life, but I was no longer going to allow fear to stop me from moving forward.
“Fear” I continued. “I do respect you. I do see that at times you’ve been my friend, protecting me from harm. I see at times that you hold a power for me, should I need you to help me fight, or run, whichever is necessary.”
Fear responded again. And again, the response was complete silence.
“Fear” I said. “I no longer will allow you to dominate my decisions. I know you will always be with me, but I hope you and I will talk things over before you take control of situations where I don’t need you to.”
More silence. I walked away doubting that the exercise had any impact.
Courage, My Sisters and Brothers
A few months later, I met a woman named Patty who was to become one of the most important people to ever grace my life. Patty is an amazing musician, a talented guitarist with a stunning voice. She’s also a great writer, a warm, loving, adventuresome and independent woman. Patty has spent her life in a wheelchair because she was born with Spina Bifida, an opening of the spine that left her legs atrophied and without feeling.
I first met Patty online, and reading through her bio on a local BBS (back in the days before the Web, my pretties) I thought to myself “my god, this woman sounds like me!” She talked about her love of music, her songwriting, and her disability. I emailed her and she wrote back.
We planned a meeting, so I went to her house with my guitars one summer afternoon. I walked in the door, and we both looked at each other and just knew that something profound was about to happen. We tuned up, and began to play. What followed was something that left us in absolute awe! We were matched musically in such a way that is truly unique in this world. It was an amazing, immediate, and deeply spiritual connection.
We began to write music together. We were sitting around one night and our friend Mark gave us our name, which we immediately knew was spot-on. “Courage Sisters” began to play live venues around Tucson and gained a nice following of friends and supporters.
Patty has since moved to another state, and I miss her terribly at times, but I will never forget the impact my experiences with her have had on my life. I gained so much confidence and strength during my years with her; I’d never be doing what I’m doing now without her influence, no question.
Blossoming
It’s now many years later, and I still talk with fear on a regular basis. But, I also understand something about courage. I experience fear as often as anyone, but since that day, talking to fear, and by seeing others who worked with fear daily and learned to tame its sometimes-disrespectful hold, something did begin to change in me.
Instead of remaining paralyzed, I began to move forward in my life, to blossom and change and grow and nurture myself and in turn, learn to give back to the world in some relevant way.
Most people are unaware that I’ve been chronically ill since the age of 21 (that will make it 22 years this January, now the majority of my life), and that I live with significant levels of pain and fatigue every day. Yet, I get up every day and I live, and I do it to such a degree that people are typically astonished to hear about my medical circumstances, largely because I have no real reason to discuss them except in rare, relevant times such as this.
I travel the world, I seek out experiences in which to share my passion for technology and life, to experience completely fun, and joy as well as pain.
Sometimes, I know I take things too far. I work too hard and play too hard, I run myself into dangerous fatigue. I often wonder not if but when I will again collapse. I wonder, but I’m not afraid, for I know one thing, and that’s by having a relationship with fear rather than letting fear own me, I am living a very full life, one so rich as to seem enviable to others who see me as strong and fearless.
I am not fearless, and I am only sometimes strong. What I think I am today is courageous.
Like Patty, I will not be held by the bounds of limitations. I will find ways through, around, and beyond, no matter what. Fear need not rule our days.
If you find yourself fearful and afraid to blossom, grow and change, I hope you will take my experiences to heart: Sit down and have a long talk with fear. Don’t worry if fear doesn’t answer immediately. Let fear know of your respect, and ask for fear’s respect in kind.
I promise you this. Your life, like mine, will only be the richer for it.
Filed under: faith(less)
Posted by: Molly | 9:56 pm |
October 28th, 2005 at 11:28 pm
Thank you for this wonderful and inspirational story. I will share it with my daughter who will benefit from it (as will I!) Take care.
October 28th, 2005 at 11:36 pm
Thank you Molly.
I lead a busy and complex life and sometimes it all seems too much and I want to break down and cry.
Posts like these help me to shoulder the burdens I carry a little more positively and keep going.
No, I take it back, they help me to put the smile back on my face and give me the firm knowledge that I *can* do this, that nothing I face is on the scale of what I know so many people face and keep going despite the difficulties they face. My life is not too much for me, because my burdens are so small.
:)
Lead on!
October 28th, 2005 at 11:58 pm
Wow, thanks for that, Molly. It certainly put my current fears in a different perspective. Maybe I’ll talk to them while they’re looking so small…
October 29th, 2005 at 2:44 am
WOW. I’ve got three of your posts from this week kept “new” so I can comment on them when I have a second, but this one just won’t wait until I have a coherent thought in my head.
I cannot claim to have the same intimacy with fear that you do, but I know I have just about daily conversations with myself about overcoming it. It took me years to figure out that it was fear I was grappling with, and to this day I have to stop and identify my reactive inaction as fear before I can deal with it.
Thank you for this. It’s a really inspirational story, and after hearing your keynote via podcast at WebEssentials 2005, I am sure you’re someone I’d like to meet someday.
October 29th, 2005 at 2:56 am
[…] 212;she is tired and sad and deserves the support of both her kids, not just my brother. Molly’s post deals with dealing with fear and conquering it. I’ve really adm […]
October 29th, 2005 at 3:17 am
Thanks for sharing this Molly. I know people who have experienced significantly less hardship and allowed it to defeat them completely.
Your story is inspirational - in part because I’ve been reading your blog for a while and know how active you are, yet without constantly alluding to and seeking sympathy for your illness.
October 29th, 2005 at 5:40 am
I felt compelled to comment, but I find myself at a loss for what to comment on.
Having not really expreienced the presence of medical problems impacting my life, I can only imagine the defeinitions to words such as ‘Courage’ and ‘Strength’ as you intended them. I often find those people who have blessed or ordinary lives often don’t lead lives as joyful because they do not know how to truly appreciate.
Fair play, and continue on as you have, we are all enriched by your presence. =)
October 29th, 2005 at 6:38 am
Molly, what an amazing person you are. Just when we think we know you, another side is revealed. Thank you for sharing with us. You are inspiring!
October 29th, 2005 at 9:24 am
Thank you for sharing, Molly.
Fear is ever-present, openly at times, lurking in the shadows at others. Conversing with it shows that you respect it. It returns that respect in kind.
October 29th, 2005 at 9:29 am
Molly,
This is such an inspirational and heartwarming post. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. And thank you for helping those of us (like myself) who let fear run their lives. You are an amazing person, thank you so much!
October 29th, 2005 at 3:20 pm
Well done Molly for expressing your battle with fear online…I don’t have chronic illness but that’s not to say I haven’t fought fear too (I have but care to only discuss in privately than share it with strangers on the web). This is a fantastic article by you because you have obviously tried to outline a topic that is very close to your heart. I suspect the comment numbers will be low for this post because people might feel a bit awkward about it or it might not relate directly to them. Of course, your courage is admired by many - with articles like this one it is not hard to see why.
October 29th, 2005 at 4:01 pm
Fear is your most precious companion.
Fear does not judge you, is not bigoted, and turns away no one, regardless of skin, social standing, religion, or sex.
When hope, love, friendship, warmth, strength, and health all leave you, fear will still be there to wrap you in her arms.
October 29th, 2005 at 4:45 pm
Thank you Molly.
October 29th, 2005 at 8:46 pm
I was afraid of so much before my daughter was born. I have CFS, and I held the fear that it would affect my ability to be a good father. Instead, she (my daughter) gives me all the strength I need, and I give it right back.
Thanks Molly - beautiful post.
Adam.
October 30th, 2005 at 7:37 am
This was just filled with love and life!!
Thank you for sharing this!
October 30th, 2005 at 11:55 am
I don’t begin to understand the fear of a chronic illness, but fear can certainly compel me to do the “safe” thing and shy away from taking risks. A tendency I’d like to change.
This is yet another aspect of you that is an inspiration to me. Thank you so much for posting this Molly.
October 30th, 2005 at 9:03 pm
I cannot say that I find inspiration in your words, but rather I find a question… How the hell do you do it? I have been sick now for almost a year. In and out of the hospital, seeking specialists, surgery and still not seemingly getting a whole let better. I am exhausted. In fact, I have to go to see the saw-bones again tomorrow, because, alas, yet again I am sick.
I do find encouragement and solace in your experiences, in the fact that this “thing” that stalks me is not only stalking me (cus’ it seems that way - as illogical as it may be). I find hope. Hope that I too can last another 22 years, for my wife, my kids, and yes - for the web (I am a big fat web geek after-all - and it so willingly offers itself up when I need to bury my head in the code…).
Cheers.
October 31st, 2005 at 1:57 am
Well, this was news to me, Molly. I know it’s not like we’re family or anything but having met you quite a few times and knowing you pretty well from out WaSP activities and more, I would say that I knew you pretty well. I guess that we all have our secrets (if that’s the right phrase). Thanks for sharing - you might be surprised at what effect a post like this could have on others. Or maybe you wouldn’t?
October 31st, 2005 at 6:01 am
Molly, Thank you for your clear and valuable insights. You got me to thinking about the positive uses of emotions such as fear and anger. The “fight or flight” response is the manifestation of fear at its most primitive. I feel that many of us ‘default’ to that instinctual response much too readily.
You have beautifully illustrated that listening to fear and trying to understand it can lead to a much more positive life experience than either trying to conquer it or to submit to it unquestioningly. Thank you again.
October 31st, 2005 at 7:57 am
Thank you so much for your timely sharing of your struggle.
I myself have been dealing with illness. For me, I was diagnosed in October 2003 with leukaemia. Chemotherapy wasn’t so bad, but because it went undiagnosed for some time, I suffered some severe damage to my back, including osteoporosis from the chemo.
For me, fear really comes down to not knowing what’s going to happen, and not having the illusion that you do know. I guess when dealing with really scary life-threatening things, I’ve learnt to deal with the fact that I can only learn so much, and then go from there.
Learning to deal with the fear that came from illness taught me to also face my other fears, worrying about my relationships with people, my future work, and money. I still worry about them, but I manage them as best I can, and don’t let fears rule everything.
You’re an amazing woman, Molly! Keep it up, and shine a path for the rest of us!
October 31st, 2005 at 9:13 am
Good morning girl four!
An inspiring post to start my week. So glad to know you and hope to see you back in Austin in March!
October 31st, 2005 at 9:36 am
Our dear Molly. After reading your post I now find myself considering fear in a new light. Is it fear that impelled me from bed this morning while fatigue and illness sang their siren songs to me? Something to ponder.
Knowing that fatigue and illness have been your companion for so many years, I am left with a question. Why now? Ever since our first heart-to-heart when we shared our personal quests with illness, I always encourage you to take care of yourself. Can you tell us why you chose this time to talk openly on such a personal issue?
Maybe it is time for us all to consider being more open about our human frailities and foibles knowing that we can do this and still be strong and couragous beings moving ever forward and living life to the fullest?
By being more open we could expend less energy on appearing strong and use the energy to be strong.
October 31st, 2005 at 11:48 am
“Fear need not rule our days” Great quote, great inspiraional story. You have posted a few these past few. Sounds like you are finding much inspiration on your cruise… Good for you…
October 31st, 2005 at 1:37 pm
[…] e>
Fear
Molly Holzschlag’s recent post about fear struck me like a brick. In the […]
October 31st, 2005 at 4:34 pm
Molly,
You’ve been an inspiration for some years now. My admiration grows, at the rate I get to know you better. I hope I can learn something along the way.
Love, Pedro
October 31st, 2005 at 5:41 pm
Thanks for that
Really enlightening.
October 31st, 2005 at 11:28 pm
Thinking of fear as a person… I’ll have to remember that!
November 1st, 2005 at 5:37 am
Thank you so much for sharing that Molly.
November 1st, 2005 at 7:11 am
Several months ago, I bought a copy of your book, “The Zen of CSS Design” and am enjoying it immensely. Out of curiosity, I searched for more information about the authors and came to this great site. I like the fact that this is a personality site, that goes beyond just work related subjects.
In response to your latest blog entry where you talk about your illness, I respect your candor. I am a 52 year old woman, who has rheumatoid arthritis. I love all things internet, and am teaching myself webdesign and css. For me, the computer is relaxing and something I can do even when I am very tired and in pain. My biggest problem is people who think this is a rather “nontraditional” pursuit for a middle aged woman. That bothers me more than anything,really. Sexism and ageism are still around.
I like the design and really like the colors of this site.
November 1st, 2005 at 5:11 pm
Molly, thank you for overcoming your fears; thank you for coming out of your shell; thank you for becoming the personality you are.
For without all this–without your work–the web standards, and even the IT, community would be nowhere near where we are today.
Your personal struggle has done so much not only for yourself, but for the community in general. You have once again inspired me–to overcome my own bad habits, to change, and to pull my finger out and actually do a few things I’ve only talked about.
I’ll start with a blog: it won’t be pretty, but it’ll be functional, and Web 2.0 is all about the content anyway, right?
November 1st, 2005 at 7:55 pm
Molly, your bold and courageous words touch my heart and challenge me at the same time.
I was raised by a woman who let fear control her life. She taught me to be afraid of my own shadow. Her philosophy was always, “expect the very worst so nothing bad can ever surprise you”. Her fears are so great, she often is unable to make decisions.
It took me years to recognize that this way of thinking wasn’t healthy. And more years to break the mental models that had been established since I was a babe.
Don’t get me wrong, I still feel fear and anxiety. But I refuse to let fear control me or make decisions for me. I’d rather take the risk and fail then sit in the shadow of fear and regret.
How did I learn to put fear in it’s proper place? From luminaries like you.
November 2nd, 2005 at 6:23 pm
This post struck such a chord with me.
I don’t know the details of your condition, but I know what it’s like to live with daily pain and fatigue. I have with a genetic condition which has put me in a wheelchair for months at a time previously, and is more a case of “when” not “if” I’ll be back there.
Still, I continue to push my luck, to grab the chances that life gives me and get as much out of it as I possibly can.
Yeah, sometimes I pay for it - walking 17 miles overnight in the dark for charity wasn’t the smartest move ever, and god was I in pain both during it and for days after - but it was important to me to do it. Partly because I wanted to raise money for the charity, but partly because I faced my fear of not being able to do it, of not being able to cope, of falling apart and not being able to pick myself up and continue - and I did it.
I always feel a bit strange when people call me strong or fearless - because I don’t think I am, and for the longest time, I’ve been saying that I’m just stubborn.
I think I like courageous better.
Keep being courageous. You’re an inspiration.
November 3rd, 2005 at 6:28 pm
Thank you for being the most beautiful person I know, and being courageous enough to let other people actually see those much deeper and …inspiring but private sides of you.
You don’t give y ourself enough credit, however. You ARE always strong. And impressive. *hugs*
November 3rd, 2005 at 9:01 pm
I’m behind on my reading. I miss you, Molly. What a wonderfully courageous post from an extremely courageous woman. ::hugs:: Stephanie
November 4th, 2005 at 3:05 am
Courage has been my “Human Quality of the Month” for some many months now. Not that this means I am always courageous (far from it!), but that I am always on the lookout for it in the people who come into my life.
It’s an interesting idea courage, because when we first think about it we think of gritting out teeth and facing some fearful battle. But I actually think courage is something far more noble than this. Courage is this wonderful thing that can flourish inside you and allow your every thought and action to be authentic. Courage will let you “become who you are”.
Molly, you’ve got courage in spades. I didn’t need to read this to know that, but gee, it’s sure made my night. Shine on, you stubborntinydiamond.
November 5th, 2005 at 8:36 am
You have such courage, I really admire you. After reading your story I have even more respect for you, for who you are and what you do. You are indeed a courageous, strong and inspiring woman. Your story really touched my heart. A big hug
November 6th, 2005 at 5:40 am
A great, frank personal account, which I can relate to.
I’m interested in whether you ever define yourself as ‘disabled’ - by society or the attitudes of others, rather than by your condition? Disabled people using/developing technology can benefit from well-known advocates in the field.
I was particularly interested in the response from one of your colleagues who knew nothing of your hidden condition, and I’m interested in how publishing this account of your own experience has affected the attitudes of those who work with you?
November 6th, 2005 at 12:01 pm
Everyone in my family had the same fears. Why should I be different?
May 9th, 2006 at 9:08 pm
Molly,
Thank you for sharing this part of your story. I have been learning to face my fears lately, and a lot of them are surfacing all at once. I will print off your story to keep in my bible to remind me that in order to truly face my fears, I must be willing to talk with them and have a relationship with them; or they will forver dominate me like they have been. Thank you again.
Sincerely,
Marni
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