molly.com
Wednesday 17 September 2003
more fun with spam
Okay, now it’s your turn. Come up with the funniest mis-read or offbeat version of a spam subject line and I’ll send you a book. Of course, what I find funny is completely subjective, and I make no claims other than if it makes me laugh, you win.
Let the games begin! Comment below.
Filed under: general
Posted by: site admin | 07:59 | Comments (27)
Well, certainly the weirdest spam I’ve ever gotten, one that made me stop short in the midst of a spam-deleting spree, had the subject line “Dimensional Warp Generator Needed.” It describes the sad, sad situation of a time traveller who is stuck here in the year 2003 and has no Galactic Credits left, but would we please accept platinum gold or this year’s currency in exchange for a rechargeable Dimensional Warp Generator unit? … And that’s not even the half of it. Latitude, longitude and elevation of the delivery point, very specific delivery instructions, etc. (Don’t even think about regular teleportation. The signal would be redirected…)
I still have the whole message, and can send it to you if you think you could stand it.
(Oh, and there’s even a sequel. Just in case you don’t happen to have a spare warp generator unit lying around, this lost soul will also accept time travel circuit schematics. Sounds like a trip to my local Radio Shack is in order… 
-Erik
“Increase the Size of Your Pens by 3 Inches”
It took me a while to figure out why I would care so much about the size of my writing utensils. That alone was the basis for about five different jokes, none of which I’ll repeat, here.
“Hot & Horny Asian Chickens, LIVE”
In retrospect, I might not have misread it at all, but I didn’t check.
“Eyesight dimming? Meet *real* girls in person!”
Best recent Spam headline:
Thanks for the Mammaries
[I thought this was particularly appropos, since it was sent out on the day that Bob Hope passed away...a fairly erudite departure, if you will, from the usual talk of body parts and Guinness-Book-size measurements.]
The elusive fountain of youth has been found…not for you, for your septic tank. I got this spam today:
Your Old Septic Tank Young Again
I guess I’ve been selfish all these years, only thinking about me when I should be thinking about my aging and self-aware septic tank!
Of course, with a renewed Septic Tank, I’ll be free to take advantage of the spam that was for me:
The Secret to Staying Young!
This way, we can enjoy each other’s company for years to come! ;^)
How about something I thought was SPAM? I was bugging the heck out of a co-worker/pal to get me the location of a bookmarklet for tidying XHTML docs that another co-worker wrote. I waited, I waited. Never came, so I asked her about it agin the next morning. She swore she sent it to me, and immediately resent it.
I saw immediately what happened. She named the subject of the email “You are a big fat slut!” Which I immediately dismissed as SPAM and deleted it pronto.
That prompted me to do a little test of my own. I sent out an email to a bunch of my friends with the subject header:
“Your Bush Smells a Little Fishy…”. The content of the message was:
====
Wow. You mean to don’t have a mail filter set up for this subject line that would have dumped this message directly to your deleted folder?
You naughty, naughty person you. Anyhoo…
I don’t know what’s more amusing: the art on this counterfit $200 bill or the fact that some goober cashier at the Food Lion accepted it as valid payment on a $150 grocery bill and gave back $50 in change.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/bushbill1.html
Apparently, this was also tried in 2001: http://www.brunchma.com/archives/Forum7/HTML/001106.html
(some of the posts are hilarious, including one that prompts someone to refer to this story: http://www.digiserve.com/eescape/closet/silly/2-at-Taco-Bell.html)
urp,
–sher
=========
I wonder how many of my friends immediately popped it in their deleted folder without even looking at it? I wonder how many of my friends do that when they see mail from me regardless of subject header? Hmmmm…
–sher
Belay that palaver, you lubbers! Here be a whale of a tale, and if ye believes this one I’ve got a slice of 12 million in Nigerian Mining booty fer ye! Arr!
Subject line: “Last Internet Critical Patch” (from Microsoft Technical Services!)
Scuttle that one to Davey Jones locker, matey!
If yer still thirsting fer more ballast fer yer trash bin, here be one that made me look twice before I made it walk the plank.
Subject line: “Renaissance Rapiers Only $39.95″
Now why I’d want to pay perfectly good dubloons to be sexualy assaulted by someone in Elizabethan garments is beyond my ken.
Subject line: “dichotomy detect podia”
Arrh! It’s all greek to me, matey. But if they can’t even speak the King’s good english then I don’t wants no part of it. I’m too busy trying to reconcile the difference in MY OWN two feet let alone anyone elses! Pah!
And that’s the way it was, ye swabbies!
Fun with spam! Now that’s worth the price of admission to molly.com!
Between saving my computer (with viral .exe’s from “Microsoft”) and saving my bank account (with viral advice from “credit counselors”), most of the spam that gets through now looks to me like “The patch to eliminating your debts starts here …”
I seem to have gotten Postini adjusted to slaughter those Asian chickens at the harbor entrance.
Starting here,
rob
All right ye busky-bearded blaggarts – git yer mittens outta me locker or ye’ll be answerin’ to my pet attack lobster, “because there be pain and pinchin’.” It’s not the size of the lobster ye should be fearin’ – it’s the clause.
OK…enough of that. Anyway…funniest a-punctuated spam titles:
“blast your girls coochie loose”
…feel free to insert whatever punctuation you prefer or conjure any strange scenario…is the coochie trapped in a landslide and in need of coochie-liberating dynamite? Is Coochie a pet of some kind…as in… “Blast your girls! Coochie loose!” etc.
Magic Incantation Spam:
“Ambien soma adipex ionamin prozac flexeril fioricet”
Suddenly, a strange, magical energy bursts forth from the fingertips of the thaumaturge and you are no longer depressed for the duration of the spell. Lucky you. Find a new relationship, fall in love, then celebrate by breaking up and returning to your old ways after the spell wears off leaving you with only your bitter, cynical, laissez-faire regret and endless tubs of Ben ‘n Jerry’s. Then, become rich after inventing a truly portable couch that you can take anywhere in a small briefcase.
Simple:
“nasalised”
I can put a lot of things up my nose, but just what are they talking about? Small grapes? A pencil eraser? The plastic hand of my Mickey Mouse figurine? Or…WAIT! Spaghetti!
Attention-getting:
“this will turn heads everywhere you go boating”
What could it be, you wonder? Well, of course, this was an ad to buy a 10′ tall, naked, fully anatomically functional and proportional Amazon water skiing android who can sing all the parts of “The Magic Flute,” digitally. Ah, opera.
What to do with that annoying talking mule:
“sildenafil citrate can help many men who have ED”
“Wiii-i-i-i-lbur-r-r-r…put your pants on!”
…and of course you realize that these comments are a trap. By adding your email address, you are just asking for more fractalicious spam.
“Rats have never been lower.”
{Was of course, rates]
here’s some nice ones
“have a runty manhood1″ perhaps for piglet but not pooh
“feeling over and over again” -nothing more than feelings
“BBxc Fatten your candy ccane ggyez” -now i know why they have you sit on santa’s lap
From=FREAK THEM OUT Subject=”BY HAVING FREAKY BIG BOOBS” -not even going there
The Amazing Jack Rabbit Vibrator
Living in rural Arizona as we do, we see a lot of jackrabbits. I looked at this and “saw” a bunny getting its brains rattled!
Dear Molly, may I Spam you? It’s my hobby, you know. Well, that’s enough I suppose. Thank you verry much for letting me Spam you for a while. Groetings from Grunn.
I don’t Like Spam Molly, This is very interesting post I ever found in the net, spam contest?just for laugh.hahaha (I laugh first), you are the greatest women Molly.
Goonie
This article is very interesting and written by some clever guy.:) Thank you!
Size istemediğiniz halde reklam (spam) gönderen kişileri kendi internet servis sağlayıcılarına şikayet edip tekrarlanmamasını sağlayan bir anti-spam yazılımıdır.
Love your beatiful
broccoli isn’t so bad as long as you know how to cook it.
thanks
I just ran across your story about getting spam that promised to make your septic tank young again. That would be wonderful, if only it were true! Millions of Americans, and gillions of others around the world, live with septic tank backups, smells and odors, wet areas in the yard, clogged leach fields, etc. For the first person who invents a little pill to flush down the toilet and solve all those problems, the world will beat a path to your door!
thanks all
thx
than you all
Place a Link to Your SERVICE
good article
thanks
thanks to molly.
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