End of My Day

Dying husband. Brother who hates me so much he can’t even tell me why after two years. Sick Mom. 118% rate hike for #Arizona due to dismantling of Obamacare and the mass exodus of medical insurers. I hate what has happened to my country, to my family, to this nation and to this world. I used to think I was so loud and obnoxious I hated myself.

If all this has served ANY purpose, it’s that I now realize I am a lovely human being who is quiet and calm compared to the world leader pretends and tyrants and fundamentalist annihilators of life. There are some people who really just want to see the world and humanity burn. I’m not one of them, but for those of you who do, may the fire that is my being leave you in the pain caused to every decent human around you.

I have worked so hard to find the love and forgiveness in my heart for even the people who have unjustly and in some cases unknowingly caused me personally more pain than any human should bear. I want to curse you. I want to hurt you. I want you to feel what I feel and understand the reason you’re feeling it is because of your wrongs.

I will own mine. EVERY damned one. If I did it, and I was the harm-doer, then I will do everything I know to set things right. And there’s a line.

You, my friends, rushed forward online with everything a human could possibly want or need during this really bad weekend. And still, not one person showed up.

Not. One. Person.

Don’t get mad at me if you tried. Hear me out because this isn’t about those people reaching out letting me down. It’s about what the hell is wrong with ME that this is the pattern I’ve set in my life and it iterates without escape. I know some people tried, some called and even said they’d get on a plane right away! It’s extraordinary and meaningful and yet there is some loop in my life that I always end up right here, without the support I could use.

My husband filled that role. No one else has ever been able to because I don’t LIKE being helped and it makes me feel ashamed and weak and yet here I am spilling my guts all over the Web’s floor. I am grateful to my core for those that reached out and actually did help us find at least a bridge solution.

But I’m empty and I’m alone and that’s been the story of my soul – blamed for 35 years because I have medical illness and disability – as if I haven’t done everything a human being can do to course correct? They didn’t even know what was wrong with me until the year I got treatment – 30+ years of wrong treatment, wrong diagnoses and the absolute horror of being told by my doctors, my family members and even ultimately myself that it was malingering, depression, personality issues, behavioral problems and that I was a very, very bad girl who should be punished with a sentence no lighter than death.

If you think I’m joking, let me clarify: When I was 13 my father burned my face while yanking me by the back of my head and telling me I was a terrible child (I had done nothing wrong – truly nothing) and that it was his right as my father not only to discipline me, but that he had every intent to kill me.

And despite that being the last night he was ever allowed near me and I would never see him again and only hear of his death 13 years later through a series of seemingly unrelated events, I continued to carry out his judgement by attempting to annihilate myself whether through drugs, alcohol, self-harm or otherwise.

I yelled, I screamed, I cried out for help so why am I still crying? Is there any place I will ever find rest or love or merely be able to interact with a friend or family member again without them either trying to control me completely or think of me as a malicious, vindictive person? I don’t understand how anyone can think that, and if they do, how can they possibly know who I am?

There are good times. There is joy. There are bad times. There is pain. There is also oxycodone which I’m going to take because I’m in a lot of pain. But at the end of it all?

There is really only now.

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Web Browsers No Longer At Fault

“Web browsers still don’t do what developers want them to. This is the fault of the browser developers.” – Mathieu Gosbee

I might argue this comment and be among some of the world’s most qualified people to take anyone to task for why that is most decidedly no longer the case.

I might provide one exception – the long-term damage done by delays in implementation do in fact haunt us in the very real present.

I might have made this argument at another time, when I didn’t work for Vivaldi Web Browser – a noble and innovative Web Browser Company who loves and cares for its family – which includes you. All of you – “a browser for our friends.”

I most certainly would be lauding the incredibly hard work my colleagues in developer relations at Microsoft Edge, Microsoft Internet Explorer (since version 7.0), Google Chrome, Opera, Mozilla Firefox, Brave Browser and all cooperative peers, the thousands (tens of thousands) software engineers and developers, their management, the entirety of their infrastructure from the Chief Executive Officers to the basement server maintenance folks for their years of dedication to solving measurable problems.

I might also add with passion aforethought the significant role W3C Working Groups (specifically #CSS #a11y #ARIA #wcag #HTML #XML #SVG) have played in taking an entire industry and making change. The WHATWG and its controversy must be acknowledged for pushing forward design principles that do – at least prosaically – demand we pay attention to backward compatibility, accessibility and other core Open Web ideals.

And I could not even consider forgetting to loudly applaud the most important players in the game – every single one of us including the individual who is quoted at the top of this post – who have contributed workarounds, hacks, issues, effective advocacy groups such as The Web Standards Project (WaSP), real solutions (see SASS, etc.), real-world labor and incalculable human hours in a span of slightly more than two decades to, in very literal terms, change the world.

Would I answer the question: Do we have problems with implementations still? Yes, and I’d also tell you to guess what, we always will. This is the physical reality – the literal condition of evolution with its pauses and leaps, diversions and failures, successes and innovations.

Might I suggest this is the reality of our jobs as the architects of the Web, as the developers of its every quirk, flaw, non-linear magnificent possibility? Progress, Regress, Progress. Solution, Evolution, Revolution, ReSolution – the patterns are known and crystal clear. It is not the technology that is impatient, rather it is we who must set the pace and course correct when we come together and acknowledge that course correction is required.

I might argue that the perpetuation of the idea that browsers have stopped innovating is as ridiculous as insisting that the earth is flat.

I might argue. I’d rather just say.


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What’s Next? Restore and Return to my Blog?

Anything is possible, so it’s been said. What do you think about this?

I really wanted to sell it and get the heck out of debt and unless there’s a Deus Ex Machina from an ethical and non-pornographic source (y’all will need to wait ’til I’m dead for a while before that happens to my site) I have the domain.

Of course, returning to the blog means even more concentrated long-form rants containing my unique form of “love with a bloody edge.” [1]. Not that I’m one for expressing my opinions though, so maybe no one will actually notice?

Therapeutic for me is sometimes completely traumatic to others.

Shall we see what happens?

[1] ALL the exes 😀

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